I am having a moment right now. I've never experienced amicitia. I never thought that I would. But knowing that you feel the same tension between the infinite and the intimate that I feel gives me balance, too.
Ravage is my sparkmate but even she doesn't understand that, because she isn't shaped to contain it. She's a lens, through which the powers of goodness and compassion and creation were meant to shine. And she is everything there is to me.
But this discussion has brought me a peace that I don't know how to explain.
I am still in love with him. I don't even want not to be, any more. I was angry with him because he shut himself away from me when he started to go wrong, and then he tried to make her do it, too. They were terrible together by themselves. They weren't terrible when he didn't push me away, which he did because he didn't want me to know how fucked up he'd become.
She's his amica. I don't know if I'll ever have one, but it would have to be someone like you.
I don't even know what I'm saying here.
I know what she did, by the way. Or at least I've guessed.
But I'm waiting for her to tell me. I wish she would. It hurts me, and I can't forgive her until she tells me. They were stupid, but how can I be angry when they did it because they love me? I even think I know why it went awry.
It went awry because she was still cassette-bound. She couldn't fully consent to it. She couldn't give the Lady what She wanted. And if Solus wants what I think she might, she still can't, but not for the same reasons.
I don't even believe in this scrap line of thinking, so tell me how it is that I know how it works? I can see them together on that Pitbound beach I've never set a pede on, and the only reason I don't want to look is it hurts, and at the same time I hurt more for them than I do for myself.
We love a pair of idiots, you know. But I wouldn't with anyone else. They're alive in ways that nobody else is.
I won't strike him again. I promise.
I thought he didn't see me anymore. Ravage thinks I want from him what I didn't get when he shut me out and she was the joint between us, and she says it's not as much fun as I think it is but she loves me enough to want me to have it, and besides, she is wholly mine now. I don't deserve any of you.
And I swear I'm not fendered on energon wine. I know it sounds like I am.
[Some hours later:]
I told her I knew she had something to tell me, and please just to tell me, so we could get past it.
She fell apart on me and told me.
What happened after that was only for us to know about but I was wrong to say that she is a lens. That is not her function, chosen or otherwise. She encompasses a lens. I want to say that Solus has made a space inside of her for her to grow into.
But that's wrong. It has always been there. I saw it the day we met.
And none of this matters. I'd love her no matter how far from infinite she was. She's my anchor in the intimate.
Everyone liked Heimdall. Even me, and I fought with him bitterly more than once.
Sometimes, the people I love understand, at least from the outside in, or through their own experiences. Ian studies chaos. Harley dances in meditation. Megatron is a poet. I would pity anyone who truly has no contact with the infinite. But there is a difference between touching it for a moment with the tip of a finger, and feeling it rush through your body like the blood in your veins. I would not be myself if I were closed to the cosmos forever.
Perhaps sometime we could...'compare notes' sounds inadequate, but I would be honored to show you how I reach for the sacred, and what I do when It reaches back.
You know how it works because it operates on the same level as dream logic. There is an element of inherent irrationality, but there is also a pattern in the chaos, and that pattern is beautiful and terrifying. You know how it works because you are a part of that pattern.
We do love a pair of idiots, but I'm afraid we are also a pair of idiots, if in a different form. It's all right. You can tell me whatever you wish, and I will hold it as sacred as I would if a follower needed me as a confessional. We can be that much for one another.
[He assumes, when the texts trail off, that Soundwave needed a break from the emotions of the conversation, and opted to give him space, and not to worry. He's just getting up in the morning and making breakfast for the children when the next words appear on the screen of his PINpoint, and doesn't try to read them until all four little ones are safely eating their oatmeal.
He cannot quite grasp through text what Soundwave is trying to tell him, and it's too important to guess at, but he's relieved they've had the vital conversation at least.]
I want to understand, but this may not be the right medium. It sounds as though I should be happy for you, and I am.
Would you like to talk, either or both of you? The children are at breakfast but I can meet you in an hour or so, if you wish.
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no subject
I am having a moment right now. I've never experienced amicitia. I never thought that I would. But knowing that you feel the same tension between the infinite and the intimate that I feel gives me balance, too.
Ravage is my sparkmate but even she doesn't understand that, because she isn't shaped to contain it. She's a lens, through which the powers of goodness and compassion and creation were meant to shine. And she is everything there is to me.
But this discussion has brought me a peace that I don't know how to explain.
I am still in love with him. I don't even want not to be, any more. I was angry with him because he shut himself away from me when he started to go wrong, and then he tried to make her do it, too. They were terrible together by themselves. They weren't terrible when he didn't push me away, which he did because he didn't want me to know how fucked up he'd become.
She's his amica. I don't know if I'll ever have one, but it would have to be someone like you.
I don't even know what I'm saying here.
I know what she did, by the way. Or at least I've guessed.
But I'm waiting for her to tell me. I wish she would. It hurts me, and I can't forgive her until she tells me. They were stupid, but how can I be angry when they did it because they love me? I even think I know why it went awry.
It went awry because she was still cassette-bound. She couldn't fully consent to it. She couldn't give the Lady what She wanted. And if Solus wants what I think she might, she still can't, but not for the same reasons.
I don't even believe in this scrap line of thinking, so tell me how it is that I know how it works? I can see them together on that Pitbound beach I've never set a pede on, and the only reason I don't want to look is it hurts, and at the same time I hurt more for them than I do for myself.
We love a pair of idiots, you know. But I wouldn't with anyone else. They're alive in ways that nobody else is.
I won't strike him again. I promise.
I thought he didn't see me anymore. Ravage thinks I want from him what I didn't get when he shut me out and she was the joint between us, and she says it's not as much fun as I think it is but she loves me enough to want me to have it, and besides, she is wholly mine now. I don't deserve any of you.
And I swear I'm not fendered on energon wine. I know it sounds like I am.
[Some hours later:]
I told her I knew she had something to tell me, and please just to tell me, so we could get past it.
She fell apart on me and told me.
What happened after that was only for us to know about but I was wrong to say that she is a lens. That is not her function, chosen or otherwise. She encompasses a lens. I want to say that Solus has made a space inside of her for her to grow into.
But that's wrong. It has always been there. I saw it the day we met.
And none of this matters. I'd love her no matter how far from infinite she was. She's my anchor in the intimate.
no subject
Sometimes, the people I love understand, at least from the outside in, or through their own experiences. Ian studies chaos. Harley dances in meditation. Megatron is a poet. I would pity anyone who truly has no contact with the infinite. But there is a difference between touching it for a moment with the tip of a finger, and feeling it rush through your body like the blood in your veins. I would not be myself if I were closed to the cosmos forever.
Perhaps sometime we could...'compare notes' sounds inadequate, but I would be honored to show you how I reach for the sacred, and what I do when It reaches back.
You know how it works because it operates on the same level as dream logic. There is an element of inherent irrationality, but there is also a pattern in the chaos, and that pattern is beautiful and terrifying. You know how it works because you are a part of that pattern.
We do love a pair of idiots, but I'm afraid we are also a pair of idiots, if in a different form. It's all right. You can tell me whatever you wish, and I will hold it as sacred as I would if a follower needed me as a confessional. We can be that much for one another.
[He assumes, when the texts trail off, that Soundwave needed a break from the emotions of the conversation, and opted to give him space, and not to worry. He's just getting up in the morning and making breakfast for the children when the next words appear on the screen of his PINpoint, and doesn't try to read them until all four little ones are safely eating their oatmeal.
He cannot quite grasp through text what Soundwave is trying to tell him, and it's too important to guess at, but he's relieved they've had the vital conversation at least.]
I want to understand, but this may not be the right medium. It sounds as though I should be happy for you, and I am.
Would you like to talk, either or both of you? The children are at breakfast but I can meet you in an hour or so, if you wish.
no subject
Is Megatron there? He isn't with us.
I didn't know the god of mischief heard confessions.