"Thank you for that, beloved. We'll see if anything ever happens."
Megatron shrugs. "Minimus has actually been here once already, but he doesn't know I know about that. He can't yet know I know about the Nexus, or he'd try to stop me from coming here; we haven't yet established trust, and sometimes, I'm afraid we won't. He came here to see Misfire. But the real issue with telling Minimus about you at this point in time is that he'd assume I was warning him off me on your behalf. I probably should leave well enough alone, all things considered. I think he may actually believe that Ravage and I have always had a platonic relationship."
He kisses Loki again. "I want to be gentle with your heart because I don't yet know where all of the weak places are, and at this early stage in a relationship--even one as intense as ours--pointing them out to a new love just isn't easy to do. Rough play is only fun for me if you enjoy it, too."
Loki raises an eyebrow at Megatron as he relays what sounds like a complicated attraction to this turbofox friend of his. "...I fear this might sound hypocritical coming from my lips, but establishing trust would seem to be of paramount importance in this instance."
To that end, it's best she leave well enough alone and let Megatron handle his own emotional affairs, but it's strange to hear the contrast. That he is dancing around this other potential lover so delicately, when they fell in together as if a magnet drew them close. It reinforces the idea that Ravage was careful to place in his head--this isn't just Megatron being passionate. There is something to this beyond anything either of them expected.
She smiles and clasps her arms behind his neck with a little hop in the air so that he's supporting her off her feet. "Just don't flirt with Thor, and we'll be all right. Most other things can be negotiated or smoothed over."
That's only half teasing. Generally speaking, Loki is fine with the idea of sharing a lover with anyone except her brother. Thor is not looking for a partner anyway, right now, so it's a moot point, but there is just enough jealousy in Loki's heart to make it worth mentioning.
"I agree with you that establishing trust is probably a good idea in any relationship," Megatron says quietly, "and that's why I may choose not to pursue it further."
He leans down and kisses her forehead. "I shouldn't be telling this to you of all people, but everyone else I know knows him and Ravage has opinions about it. And besides, I want to know more about Harley and Ian."
Megatron laughs again. "But I don't know if he will ever trust himself, let alone trust me. He's horrified by the fact that he likes me. He was my advocate at my trial and took the position only because he felt it was necessary to preserve the integrity of the proceedings. He devoutly hoped that after he had done the absolute best to defend me to the best of his ability, I'd still be executed, preferably promptly. And then they made me co-captain of the ship where he is second-in-command, and him my parole officer. If he knew I was leaving the ship on my own and going to another universe, or that I've decided not to be executed, he'd be...well, first he'd be horribly disappointed in me, and then in himself, and then I'd probably just have to move here immediately, because even though he knows this place, it's not his jurisdiction.
"Anyhow, I set out to seduce him because he is very alone, we do like each other, he already knows what I've done, he smells nice, and I thought it would be good to secure his favour absolutely, which you've got to admit I could probably do in a couple of hours, because even without all the magic we make together, he's got all the connections any other of my species has, and I'd be surprised if he's been laid at any time in the last million years, because nobody ever sees him out of his armour. And Ravage only knows he's a fox because he identified the body of one of his alternates and figured out the smell. But now, I like him enough to want him for himself, even though he's completely obtuse and has no idea that I want him at all. I think I could write him a poem and he'd think it was for someone else entirely. If he knew about you, he'd almost certainly withdraw.
"My evil plot was to make Minimus fall madly in love with me, in case they decided against me, in the hope that he'd decide to go against his principles and help me if I decided I didn't want to die. But now I really want to see him fall apart on my spike for his own sake, and also because I don't think I have ever known a person who needed it more."
When Loki jumps, he catches her and holds her fast. "I promise not to frag your brother. That would be in very poor taste. I cannot promise not to engage in wordplay with him, but I will never flirt with him in earnest. I may not be able to avoid telling him he's pretty, but I will always make sure he knows I think you're prettier, and that will always be absolutely true, because even if he has your green eyes, which he almost certainly doesn't, there won't be any dazzling mischief dancing in them, and he will never be the one who gave me back my heart." He kisses Loki fiercely.
"We're supposed to be spending more time talking about our lives. But I could rut you up against a tree in less than half an hour if you used your magic, and I wouldn't leave you wanting. I know you, now, in ways that your shape won't much alter." He raises an eyebrow. "But I know. We should talk. Maybe after, though."
"You have so much affection to give," Loki observes softly. It doesn't escape her that Megatron appears to have considered seducing Minimus with slightly questionable intentions, but it also doesn't escape her that he is clearly genuinely fond of him. That, plus the comment about never knowing anyone who needed it more. "You often want to fix things for the people you're fond of, don't you."
She nuzzles into his neck as he holds her up. "It's a human meme, but it sounds like you're trying to bed a Lawful Good when you're a Chaotic Neutral. Always a tricky proposition. It will not be me that stands in your way, in any case. I hope for his sake that you succeed."
That last comment is delivered in a playful purr. Loki, at least, has been thoroughly convinced that sex with Megatron is not an experience to be missed.
She chuckles a little. "I think Thor has a slight preference for feminine lovers, anyway, but that may be his awareness of the expectations placed upon him--to produce an heir to the throne--rather than just his own tastes. But no, I wouldn't stop you from wordplay with him, as long as it isn't in earnest."
Harley has flirted with Thor often enough, after all, and there was only one time it made Loki at all uncomfortable, which turned out to be a misinterpretation on Loki's part.
She breathes out a vehement huff of air at the offer to rut her up against a tree. What is this madness? It's like flipping a switch; all he had to do was bring it up and she's immediately turned-on. "I'm going to need you to be careful about making propositions like that," she laughs. "Apparently I've regressed into a hormonal teenager."
She wants. "...but lets get to the top of the bluff first, at least. There's a view that is not to be missed."
"Mmmm, yes, you are absolutely right about me, I do want to fix things for everyone I care about. That's why I started a revolution, you know." Megatron chuckles; he loves it when she cuddles up to his throat and lets him cradle her head, like he is not so coincidentally doing at the moment. "Well. Lawful Good is an exact description of Minimus Ambus, but...you're not talking me out of this, are you?"
He leans down to kiss her a little more, and listens to her explain about her brother. He has no intention of flirting with Thor. From everything he's heard so far, he'd rather flirt with Harley. Especially if there's a chance of having both of them. He doubts his feelings for any of Loki's lovers will be as strong as his feelings for Loki, but there's not a better way to establish he's willing to share and be shared than to actually lie down and do the sharing.
"Do you think saying that you need me to be careful about making propositions because you want to say yes is going to get me to stop?" Megatron sighs. At least he knows how to avoid getting a spike-ache from having it try to go right through the panel! (Mostly by shifting her weight so that her open legs aren't quite so exactly close to his pelvic panels.)
"The problem, my dear, is that nobody told my protoform or my brain module that I was ever supposed to grow out of being hormonal. We don't have exactly the same life stages as Asgardians or humans do, but I do hear that other mechs get over it to a greater degree than I ever did."
He sets her down very gently. "If we're going to walk to the top of the hill you're going to have to stand on your own two feet till we get there, because if I hold you like that any longer, walking will become uncomfortable." He laces his fingers through hers.
"I can't believe I was celibate for so long after my trial, and again for almost a month after Ravage went back. That says quite a bit about my mental health, and nothing at all good, either."
"You have come to the wrong person if you expect to be talked out of anything," Loki laughs. That might not be a fair assessment of herself; she certainly spent a lot of her youth trying to talk Thor out of some of his more reckless shenanigans, and she's not beyond offering reasonable advice to those who will listen, but when it comes to matters of love and mischief, she's more likely to encourage than otherwise.
Case in point, her willingness to be talked into semi-public lovemaking with minimal provocation.
Still, she lets him put her down and links hands again without complaint, humming happily. There's a moment where she swings their clasped hands idly as they go, like a child walking with a playmate, but when the path narrows and they need to walk single-file, she takes the lead easily. It's a little steep, but the rocks are well integrated into the dirt; there is no danger of even a being Megatron's weight dislodging or slipping upon them. As for Loki, she moves up the path with a light, almost silent step.
"I used to walk the mountains in Asgard like this," she says. "Especially in the early winter when the snow was still shallow enough to walk through. I used to know every path through the rocks, even the ones too small for anything bigger than a serpent."
"You know, I think I was a little undersexed when I was younger. I wasn't celibate by any means, but I was choosy about my lovers and I spent more time in study than anything else. But I do understand what you mean. After my exile from Asgard, I didn't let another person near me sexually for a few years. Not until Sakaar, and that was...an unusual set of circumstances, even for me."
"It was sort of a garbage-fire of a planet, Sakaar," she explains, with a blend of wry fondness and embarrassment. "And I was determined to work my way into the upper echelons of society there, which meant attending a great many parties, most of which devolved into orgies."
Megatron shrugs. "Did you enjoy them?" he asks, raising an eyebrow and smiling. "There was a time when most Decepticon Conclave parties ended that way, and if you ask me, we should probably not have stopped. More to the point...when we stopped, it was because we'd stopped trusting each other. I do think that the way we used to do things went over the line a few times. There were those of us who believed that monogamy was a form of subtle enslavement, but there were also people who hadn't been allowed to set boundaries and probably needed to." He sighs. "Even Soundwave wasn't so jealous back then. It's my fault he's like that, but Ravage is the one who has to pay for it of course."
He kisses her hand. "I like watching people enjoy themselves, especially if I care about them at all. Once, while we were all paired off, eight of us had all of our cabling daisy-chained. That was actually Soundwave's idea. He thought we should all have the same experience he was having. Orion had two lovers at home he did that with and he seconded the plan."
Megatron shrugs. "I don't think I would do that again, it's dangerous; and the only people I've ever opened up to as far as I do with you were Orion and Terminus--and it certainly didn't happen that fast. But I'm not going to judge you for lying with more than ten people in a night, because that would be utmost hypocrisy."
"It's complicated," she says, with complete honesty. "Diplomacy and less-benign games of social manipulation are enjoyable for me. I can attend a party, work a room, and more often than not if I want all eyes on me, they will be on me. But Sakaar was under the rule of a dictatorship that wished to be viewed as kinder and gentler and more fun-loving than it actually was, and games are less fun the higher the stakes go."
Her tone is light; she's not looking for pity, but she is trying to be clear. "You spoke of gladiatorial battles; aside from the orgies, that was the primary preoccupation of the ruler and his court. And I can hold my own in battle better than most, but..."
She trails off, searching for words. "I have negative memories associated with battle, with training. And I doubted my ability to win against the alien beings I would have faced in the arena."
"No one ever said to me 'fuck or fight', but I cannot pretend there was no element of coercion or fear underlying my actions."
"But there was also an element of..." She pauses, lips pursed, and lets out a sigh. "In mortal circles, humans in particular, there is a subculture of power exchange and bondage games, as I think you well know. There is a condition some refer to called 'frenzy'. Overwhelming, desperate enthusiasm in the face of novel experiences. I've heard it likened to addiction. I never moved in such circles on Midgard itself, but I've had time to reflect and learn since my time on Sakaar."
"I liked it a little too much, I think, in a way that could have gotten out of control and led me down some unpleasant paths, had circumstances been just a little different. Yet another thing I owe Thor, I suppose. Had he not come in and ruined my fun, I might have just stayed there for the rest of my life."
"But that is a secret I won't be telling him. He definitely doesn't want to hear about my sexual misadventures."
Megatron gathers her into his arms and holds her closely, stroking her hair. "I saw that frenzy during my arena days. Some of the fans..." He shakes his head and kisses the crown of her head. Suddenly the motivation behind some of Soundwave's behaviour becomes painfully, cuttingly clear.
Ravage will always go out to the knife's edge to prove that she can--that he's not in any way lesser than anyone else, that his size and shape don't limit him, that her dancing and love affairs are proof of her freedom, that he cannot be owned and no-one controls him, that even when she gives herself away to plead or soothe, it is her choice alone.
Of course Soundwave wants to protect him. Not just from Megatron but from herself.
"Loki," he murmurs, and looks down into her green, green eyes. "I've been told I'm 'hypersexual' and 'manic', even. I've whored myself out when I've needed to, without shame. Was prepared to do it again, even. And I do enjoy a wild party, now and again, but now...only with people I trust, and there's not as many of those as their once were, and even fewer are willing to play. But I never want you to do anything you don't want to do with your whole heart, body and mind. I won't let that happen again to you. We're attuned; I will always know, as long as you're honest and open with me. And as much as I want to have you in all kinds of places, as glad as I'd be to share or be shared, it must only be if you wish it."
He kisses her lightly. "I want so much, but only if you're happy. And I think I owe Soundwave and Ravage another few thousand apologies."
He'd let Ravi, who'd been used as a whore in his youth, behave like one again for his pleasure.
"Every time I come up with what I think is some terrible confession, you pull me close and comfort me instead of being shocked," she says quietly, marveling at this. "A few years ago, I might have resisted that, unwilling to accept kindness because it feels too close to pity. I'm glad I've grown past that."
Instead of condescending or stifling, this feels safe. Even if she didn't mean to ask for sympathy or comfort this time, he gives it so freely and sweetly, how could she refuse?
"You said before you heard me cry out for what I need," she almost whispers, as if admitting a secret. "I believed you then and I believe you now. I trust you."
She holds onto the embrace for a moment, quiet, then leads the way up the last switchback to the top of the bluff with a warm smile. "I am certainly not above attending a party with people I trust. Lucifer's angels have invited me before, in fact, though I get the impression that's less of an orgy than an intoxicated mass cuddle pile that frequently ends in sex between two or three or more of them. I've yet to take them up on it, but I wouldn't be opposed as long as I had someone along to anchor me. I can and will lose myself if I walk into something like that alone and find myself surrounded by overwhelming elemental energies."
"Harley and I talked about it once, actually, though we didn't come to any conclusion." Loki wasn't sure if the group intimacy interested Harley in particular, but she knows she'd be capable of reeling Loki back in if necessary.
"There are very few sexual games I'm opposed to playing, as long as all participants are informed and amenable. I've just learned that some are riskier for me than others, and I am more vulnerable than I want to believe I am when I enter certain mental states. It just...feels so good to let go."
"If orgies are a terrible confession then it's one more thing we have in common. But, seriously...I can't pity you. You are immensely strong. You are strong enough to drag me out of anguish and despair." Megatron kisses her hair again. "That's why I'm not afraid to love you, Loki. By the time I went to bed with you, you had already had the chance to destroy me, and you chose to give me back my heart, instead of tearing what was left of it to bits. I will always give you what you need if I can discern what it is. And I think that most of the time, I can, but if you find that I don't see it, don't you ever be afraid to tell me plainly. You saved my life that day in your Hall."
He follows her up to the top of the hill. "I'd go with you to be your anchor, to any event you liked. But I should warn you--I don't think Lucifer likes me much. In some ways, he reminds me of Orion. He hates the violence in me, but it's part of my nature. Still, I would follow you there to protect you."
He slides an arm around her shoulder. "From what you've said of Harley, I already find her attractive. I suspect that you could have us both at once, if she were willing, though I cannot say for sure until I meet her for myself.
"You are also...a great deal like Ravage, in some ways. I think that one of the things that Soundwave is angriest at me for, aside from trying to steal her for my own, is that I let her go out into things like that on her own. I believed her when she said she could handle anything that came up for her. And yet I once I saw her walk out of a berthroom that belonged to a femme who'd done nothing but demean her up to that point. That did stop, after that, though...so maybe that was how they made their peace."
He sits down at the top of the bluff, and gives her arm a small tug to beckon her down with him. "The view is incredible," he says. "Tell me about the things that I'm seeing, here."
"My Hellequin, my Valkyrie," Loki murmurs with quiet affection. "Harley is utterly unique. There is more to her than she shows; I'll be very surprised if you do not like her, whether attraction is a part of that or not."
"And you may have to like Ian from afar, or by reputation, but if you had heard some of the sweeter things he's said to me, you would understand why I want him so much. He is a chaotician. He compared me to the Butterfly Effect, and I was so touched I could scarcely respond."
Her eyes are misty, and it's hard to tell exactly what's set off that sentimental streak, until she sits beside him. Part of her is tempted to just settle directly into his lap, but she has a feeling that would divert them from conversation. Instead, she curls against his side like she's unwilling for there to be a molecule of air between them.
"I don't think I realized it meant quite that much to you," she says. "That conversation we had. I could feel it was important, but..."
She rubs her hand over her forehead, pushing back some of the loose, inky locks around her face. "I didn't do it for that. I was only being myself."
There is something akin to a minor existential crisis going on here, if such a thing can be an utterly positive experience. Loki looks dazed. It's a strange thing to have spent so much of her life struggling to earn love she thought she had to prove herself worthy of, to give up on the task utterly in the most violent way possible, and to come out the other side determined to be the best Loki she could be and damn the consequences--and to hear here and now that that Loki, that simple instinct to sympathize with those most like herself--that Loki is worthy of all this lavish affection and protective tenderness.
Part of her wants to burst into tears.
"I never get cold," she says, "but put your arm around me anyway?"
And she looks up at the sky overhead, searching the glittering stars. "Sometimes you can see whales going past, in the Nexus skies. Some of them fly here. They're beautiful."
She scrubs her sleeve across her face and tilts her head against him.
Megatron slides his arm around her, gently. "You were only being yourself," he says, looking up at the stars, "but that's why I love you. I love you because you are you. In all the millions of universes, and here in this place where there are at least three people named Loki, there is only one you, and I love you because you are you. My spark was a flickering ember and you came along and blew hope on it."
He watches the sky, waiting for a flying whale. If he had a cloak he would throw it around them both. He doesn't often wear a cape. He thinks he could probably wear one for Loki, though.
They've told each other almost all their deepest, darkest secrets. They are sitting in a place that is special to Loki. They have certainly been intimate. No gifts have been exchanged, but she gave him back his life. That's probably devotion, though, not profference.
No. He is not going to think about this. Ravage will tell him he's lost his mind, and Ravage, as always, will likely be right.
"You are a butterfly effect," Megatron says with amusement. "Ian is right. He will need to meet me, eventually. If he's going to dislike me, he can dislike me for myself. I think that's fair. It doesn't have to be right away, but someday. I will protect him, you see. Even if he never cares for me, because he is yours, and something inside you would break, if you lost him."
Then he winces. "Orion once told me that I should have been the Lord Protector of Cybertron, when he was very, very drunk, and it was very, very late, and we were not supposed to be talking. He wanted me to fuck him and sparkmerge through that damned thing he let them put into his chest and I told him to go pound sand, I wouldn't abandon our people for fancy titles like he did. But it had a ring to it, somehow. I only know that I'd do anything to keep the people I still love, who still love me, safe in this world that has reason to wish them ill just for loving me."
Loki has to take another moment to rub her eyes and tame the urge to cry, but it gives way to a bright smile as it fades. The feeling that this is getting serious more quickly than is healthy has not left her, but the fear of it being too good to be true is fading like frost in sunlight. Good things do happen sometimes, whether the recipients deserve them or not. But maybe they deserve one another.
"This feels right," she observes, calming as the breeze whistles past them, and nods to herself. "The Winter Spirit warned me once not to allow myself to be tamed, or reduced into a single, simple self that does not acknowledge all aspects of Loki. I've thought about it a lot since then. I am a parent now, and a sibling, and a lover, and I can be all those things. I am fire and frost and wind and darkness, and I can be all those things, as well. I can be both the serpent and the victim of its dripping venom. But the turn of the Wheel, the cycle of lives and seasons, occurs outside of us and inside of us. I do not have to be the terrible herald of apocalypse and the tender mother of monsters all at the same time."
"My nature is changeable, but I think that you will understand that, even as you see it occur in front of you. I think you will still love me. That is a faith I did not expect to find."
"I trust you, with myself, and with the others I love." And that is a more momentous confession, to Loki's mind, than an I love you. After all, she never stopped loving Odin but she wouldn't trust him as far as she could throw a small planet.
"I don't know what the title of Lord Protector would even entail," she says wryly. "But you are, at least for me, a shelter from the cold both within and without."
"...and I'm sorry, I was trying to be sweet but you mentioned getting drunk and now I need to know what sort of spirits you drink in case we do have a party to attend at some point." Aaaaand there's the familiar glitter of mischief in her eyes.
Megatron is listening and he has about a million sweet things to say and then.
That.
Scrap. He hasn't told her that yet. Well. At least he can try to be cute about it.
"The only thing I can still get drunk on is you," Megatron says, and kisses her. But then, he vents in, and looks down past her eyes.
"I had a problem, Loki, and it got...pretty bad. It got so bad that Scorponok took over the fleet and hurt people, and I had to oust him. I had to get it taken care of. I didn't have time for discussion groups or religious nonsense. They modded my FIM chip, you won't know what that is, but no energon-based intoxicant has any effect on me now, nor ever will again."
Well, Loki's ability to kill a sentimental mood is still intact! She winces, not sure whether to apologize or backpedal or neither, but the kiss eases the flicker of worried guilt, and she finds herself thinking instead about Thor. Who also has a problem.
But it's not her place to tell Thor's business to someone he does not know, even someone she trusts.
There's a thrum as magic cycles through her energy fields, and then the form nestled against Megatron's side is Loki's masculine Jotun form, enlarged to be closer to him in height. It becomes clear why he's done this a second later as he simply gathers Megatron into his arms and squeezes him close. "Then I will have all of your attention at any parties we attend," he says in a voice that's still teasing but manages to be gentler nonetheless. "A silver lining in every cloud."
Transforming may be the strangest reaction Megatron's ever got to this confession, but the embrace is one of the best ones, and he closes his optics and leans into it. "Yes. You will. And I'll be happy to tell you what to get for other Cybertronians. It's just wasted on me."
He nuzzles Loki's throat. "I don't know what the title of Lord Protector entails exactly, either, although Soundwave's started calling himself Lord Protector of Destron. I think that might just mean 'Lord Protector of Ravage', though," he says with a chuckle. "I just thought it was funny, I guess. Your trust means more to me than anything. To shelter you is an honour. And now, here you are, sheltering me."
He tightens his arms around Loki. "And I will. Love you. Regardless. Man, woman, Jotun, Asgardian, wolf, spider, mother of monsters, herald of apocalypse--although I hope we do not have one soon--fire, frost, wind, light and darkness. I will hold you close through all your transformations and be endlessly grateful, not just to care for and protect you, but that you also do the same for me."
He ex-vents, quietly. "And I know. This is crazy. I hear it from Ravage whenever we speak. The suddenness frightens him. But I'm not being manic, and when he tells me this, I remind him that Soundwave fell in love with him at first sight. I'm using my circuit-stabilisers, and...mania makes me feel invincible. This is quite nearly...humbling. Spark bonds come on suddenly sometimes; sometimes, people just know. Thank you for deciding to be mad with me, Loki."
"I thought a hug would be more comforting if I were a bit bigger," he murmurs in explanation, and tucks his chin lightly over Megatron's head. "I certainly enjoy the reverse."
The moment of immediate concern passes, but Loki will remember this conversation, both as a potential sore point and as a matter that may need to be discussed again some day, in more detail. He doesn't say so, but now that he thinks about it, it's no wonder that Megatron suffered a substance abuse problem. Leadership is a very heavy burden, and more so to someone carrying baggage from his own past.
"I will love you, too," he murmurs. Which is cheating, in a way, dodging his own uncertainty by making what sounds like a future promise rather than a current confession. Is this caution or cowardice? Either way, it's not a lie. He could say I love you now and it would not be a lie. He's just not quite ready.
He takes in a deep breath and lets it out again in a soft, drawn-out sigh, drinking in the affection while giving back what he can. The mention of mania and circuit-stabilisers prompts a pensive little hum from his throat. Context makes this sound very much like medication, and some part of him is relieved to hear that, even hopeful. Thor has been treated by Eir for trauma and depression, and the children have their therapists and doctors, and Loki...wouldn't even know where to begin with his own issues, but despite being built of very different materials, perhaps there is common ground between them all.
One hand comes up to stroke Megatron's head and upper back in a few slow, smooth passes. "Circuit-stabilisers," he echoes. "Will you tell me more? I do not believe you are being manic, either. I know the feeling too well, myself, from the inside."
"My culture, the culture of Asgard, has never dealt well with mental and emotional wounds, or innate differences in the inner worlds of its own people. That is one of the reasons I think the children are better with me, and why I am protective of them." He kisses his forehead. "There are changes being made in the new Asgard, slowly but surely, but I have no patience when it comes to the welfare of my little ones."
"My brother struggles. There have been times in the last two years when I watched him break and scrambled to pick up the pieces, and times he did the same for me. If I'm interpreting context correctly, your insight might help."
Edited 2020-12-09 05:02 (UTC)
warning: this may not be as comforting as you expect it to be ...
"You should know that Cybertronian psychiatry has been thoroughly weaponised and has been used as a means of social control since long before I was kindled. So if you're thinking I have a prescription for this, I'm about to disappoint you terribly. This is a hack. Soundwave told me that modified circuit-boosters could be used to correct extreme mood swings, and I discovered that it worked. Unfortunately, I did not learn this trick in time to avoid becoming a genocidal tyrant, and since this particular brain-hack is slightly illegal, I had to stop doing it while I was on trial."
Megatron smiles wryly. "Ravage got me to go back to it; it was one of the promises he extracted from me before he left the ship."
He frowns. "I've survived a shadowplay attempt, Loki. They call it 'personality adjustment' when it's done to someone disposable, which I absolutely was at the time. I was fortunate not to lose my intellect or creativity, but it left me with a phobia of needles, because I woke up while they had needles in my spinal circuitry and brain module, and a propensity for manic episodes that got more and more severe as the stress on me increased over time."
He lets himself slump against Loki and cling to him, resting his head on Loki's shoulder, face pressed into the curve where neck and shoulder meet. "I'm a piece of work, and also a work in progress, but you knew that. That's only one of the things that happened to me during the first worst day of my life. Right after that narrow escape, the mines began to collapse. That's when I lost Terminus. I've told you bits about him, here and there. He was my first real lover, and he was already dying. I would rather have taken his life myself, out of love, than left him to die like that. I decided not to go to my next assignment, since someone had already decided I needed my attitude managed, and went to the arena instead. That's when I really started to drink. We all did. But while I was in the arena, and later, when we were actively in revolt and they were hunting us, we had to be careful about it. After the revolt got well under way, though, and I had my own flagship, the others cut back, and I didn't; it seemed safe for me to get worse, and I did. It took Scorponok's betrayal to make me realise how fragged up I actually was."
Megatron closes his optics as tightly as he can, but he's going to cry anyway, no matter what he does. "There are so many things I want to tell you about those days. Good things, even. Not everything was unrelentingly awful. But even when we were happy, there was usually a body count."
He presses a kiss to Loki's throat, where the pulse surges against his lips.
"I may be of more use to your brother than your children, in this respect. A lot of people drink when they have gone to war. But I'll do whatever I can to help."
"Elskan," he murmurs gently, "I wasn't asking for you to fix anyone, only for sympathy. Though I know you would, if you could." He's already made it clear that whoever is important to Loki is important to him, after all.
He thinks it better not to go into excessive detail about Thor's problems, not until he can check with his brother and see how receptive he might be to empathy from a stranger, but he dares to hope a different perspective--even one as dark and painful as this one--might be supportive.
The unfolding tale takes his breath away, and for more than one reason. His clasp around Megatron's shoulders tightens a little, protective, and simultaneously the temperature of his own skin and the air around them drops, an instinctual Jotun reaction to fear or pain--or the memory thereof. Undirected as it is, it's not the searing chill that can destroy Aesir armor, but the energy flux is noticeable.
"The Black Order had microsurgery needles," he says quietly. "Which could be heated to burning temperatures inside the body."
There's a lot more that could be said there, but Loki absolutely will fall apart if it's discussed in detail; he can still hold himself together and be comforting right now. But he understands the horror being described to him, intimately.
The tragedy, on the other hand--the talk of Terminus and being forced to abandon him--that is somewhat beyond his personal experience, but it hurts to hear. His hands are restless, stroking over Megatron's back as if looking for some sort of physical wound that could be healed or comforted.
"If I could change that past for you, I would," he says. "But if it will give you any comfort at all, I will light a candle in honor of your lost love, when next I burn one for my mother, and the children for their dead families."
He did not mean to prompt such painful revelations, but the kiss to his throat tells him he is forgiven--or perhaps that there is nothing to forgive. "I'm here," he adds softly, a whisper of reassurance he's offered to Thor and the children in the past. "I'm here."
"Beloved." Megatron sighs. "I didn't think you wanted me to fix anyone. I'm not...I'm not in that line of work, and the fixes I know won't work on organics. It's just that you asked about insights. I have plenty of insights into the problems of soldiers. But as I told you before, children are outside my experience; I'm prepared to love them, and I'm sworn to protect them; but I haven't the first idea how their minds work. You've got my sympathy for all of them anyway."
He kisses Loki's throat again. "The candle, though. Yes, that is a comfort. You would have loved him, too, I think. He was sly and funny and ruthless and brilliant. He used to proofread my earliest writings. We fell in love because we both loved books, living in a place where most of the people we knew could barely read. He was the first person ever to read my poetry. Some people I've known would disapprove of it if they knew, because he was so much older than me. But he understood me, and was proud of me, and I don't remember the first time I ever interfaced, but I remember the first time with him as if it had happened yesterday. It took me such a long time to convince him, even though he wasn't ill yet, then, that someone as young and beautiful as I was then could want him.
"I often wonder what he'd think of me now. He told me often enough in those days that I was too idealistic, and too forgiving, and that Orion--who at that time was only a friend, a correspondent I'd never met--and I were going to have to understand that the changes we wanted to see would mean war. I wasn't ready to accept that until the day they nearly destroyed me, and he died. I can't believe I ever thought I wouldn't have to be a murderer. But I found out that killing was a whole lot easier than I had ever thought it could be after that, and that in fact, I had a talent for it."
He's calmer now, though suddenly feeling quite tired. "You know as much about this, now, as Ravage does, and he's my amica. More than Orion did." He needs to lie down, for a moment at least, and lies back on the ground, tugging Loki down with him with quiet pleading in his optics, and then he kisses him: thoroughly, but not with fierce hunger or urgency, more for close comfort and to anchor himself in the present than anything else. Here, they are together, and everything's as fine as it will ever be. Here, in the Nexus, under different stars. Here, where he doesn't have to be or do anything other than love and be loved.
He'll go back to the ship, but he doesn't want to. He finds it strangely hard to care about the Knights of Cybertron or their justice. The people there don't need him. Except for Minimus, he's alone there, really.
"The trauma the children have experienced is not unlike what a soldier sees, I'm afraid," Loki murmurs. "But without them having blood on their own hands. But I know that you will care for them, and I think that given time to know you, they will trust you as I do."
When Megatron lies down, Loki is quick to follow, stretching out atop him with his legs half looped over him and half stretched back into the long grass. He doesn't hesitate to accept that kiss--accept isn't the right word; he encourages it, taking all the affection and reflecting it back. "I would have loved him, too," he confirms when they pause, looking into Megatron's eyes. "And I will remember him with you."
Shifting again, Loki's shape dwindles back into the softer, paler feminine form, and she stretches her arms across the span of his chest, resting her head close to the panel behind which his spark lies. The cuddling, the star-watching, this is what she had hoped for, but the conversation, painful as it is, was important.
"I think we will have a number of these revelations in our first weeks and months together," she says. "Because we are still learning where one another's scars are, and because we began and mean to go on with openness about our pasts. But I'm ready for that, if you are. There's joy to be had here, too."
Megatron cuddles her, resting his hand on her head. "Given how long we have lived, I think 'months' is a conservative estimate, dulscintara*." There's a warm humour underneath the ache in his voice. "I feel...light. Like I could float with you into the stars. I'm grieving all over again, but I'm not alone, and I'm happy, somehow. I did not want to make you sad, but you're grieving with me anyway, and for a mech you never knew. I feel...he would have loved you, too. And that he would be happy, for us. Even though, in many respects, I failed to do what I meant to do then. I did make things better than they would have been otherwise."
His arms tighten around her. "I don't think joy is ever far away when we're together like this. It's not the same joy I felt when we were in bed...but I feel more whole than I did this morning."
____ [OOC: "sweetspark (loved)", because I can google Icelandic but I make up Cybertronian words myself out of the languages they used for the canonical words we already have, and they're all portmanteaux from those languages...]
"Mmm," she sighs contentedly at the touch to her head. Her hair is soft and smooth, like brushed silk. "Months or years, then. We have the time, do we not? An Asgardian lifespan is thousands of years. A Jotun span is longer than that, though I couldn't say by how much. But I have already died more than once, and returned stronger. I think I will be here as long as I am needed, or wanted."
She nods a little without lifting her head. "It's different, to recount old hurts to sympathetic ears. It's different when you can trust the person you are with to hear you with understanding."
One of her hands reaches out to find his and thread her fingers between his. "This is beautiful."
((ooc: that is lovely. Loki always tries to use unique endearments for each lover and for each of his children.))
"I thought gods were immortal?" Megatron's voice quavers slightly. Losing her in a few thousand years isn't something he's ready to face. "I'm not going to worry about it. Somehow I've got out of the habit of expecting to die by the end of the day. I'm starting to think like a person who believes in a future. When did that happen? The war hasn't been over that long..."
After a moment, he realises this might be ridiculous. Even if he never leaves the Nexus again, there are plenty of people who still want to kill him, and the anti-violence field is not perfect.
"I'm going to believe you're right," he says, "especially since you've come back once already. I'm going to believe you'll be here as long as you're wanted and needed. So. Probably at least three million years. I've somehow managed to reach an age where mechs start to feel older rather than younger, but I'm not on the downslope yet. Most Cybertronians don't die of old age."
He lifts their joined hands to his lips and kisses her fingertips. "What's beautiful? Us? I agree." He smiles and looks up at the sky. Planets and stars move. A million years from now, when they are lying here, what will the stars look like, then?
"Do you realise that you're subconsciously planning to spend the rest of your life with me?" He kisses the back of her hand. "I want that too. I don't care if it's crazy. I've decided we get to be happy, now."
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Megatron shrugs. "Minimus has actually been here once already, but he doesn't know I know about that. He can't yet know I know about the Nexus, or he'd try to stop me from coming here; we haven't yet established trust, and sometimes, I'm afraid we won't. He came here to see Misfire. But the real issue with telling Minimus about you at this point in time is that he'd assume I was warning him off me on your behalf. I probably should leave well enough alone, all things considered. I think he may actually believe that Ravage and I have always had a platonic relationship."
He kisses Loki again. "I want to be gentle with your heart because I don't yet know where all of the weak places are, and at this early stage in a relationship--even one as intense as ours--pointing them out to a new love just isn't easy to do. Rough play is only fun for me if you enjoy it, too."
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To that end, it's best she leave well enough alone and let Megatron handle his own emotional affairs, but it's strange to hear the contrast. That he is dancing around this other potential lover so delicately, when they fell in together as if a magnet drew them close. It reinforces the idea that Ravage was careful to place in his head--this isn't just Megatron being passionate. There is something to this beyond anything either of them expected.
She smiles and clasps her arms behind his neck with a little hop in the air so that he's supporting her off her feet. "Just don't flirt with Thor, and we'll be all right. Most other things can be negotiated or smoothed over."
That's only half teasing. Generally speaking, Loki is fine with the idea of sharing a lover with anyone except her brother. Thor is not looking for a partner anyway, right now, so it's a moot point, but there is just enough jealousy in Loki's heart to make it worth mentioning.
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He leans down and kisses her forehead. "I shouldn't be telling this to you of all people, but everyone else I know knows him and Ravage has opinions about it. And besides, I want to know more about Harley and Ian."
Megatron laughs again. "But I don't know if he will ever trust himself, let alone trust me. He's horrified by the fact that he likes me. He was my advocate at my trial and took the position only because he felt it was necessary to preserve the integrity of the proceedings. He devoutly hoped that after he had done the absolute best to defend me to the best of his ability, I'd still be executed, preferably promptly. And then they made me co-captain of the ship where he is second-in-command, and him my parole officer. If he knew I was leaving the ship on my own and going to another universe, or that I've decided not to be executed, he'd be...well, first he'd be horribly disappointed in me, and then in himself, and then I'd probably just have to move here immediately, because even though he knows this place, it's not his jurisdiction.
"Anyhow, I set out to seduce him because he is very alone, we do like each other, he already knows what I've done, he smells nice, and I thought it would be good to secure his favour absolutely, which you've got to admit I could probably do in a couple of hours, because even without all the magic we make together, he's got all the connections any other of my species has, and I'd be surprised if he's been laid at any time in the last million years, because nobody ever sees him out of his armour. And Ravage only knows he's a fox because he identified the body of one of his alternates and figured out the smell. But now, I like him enough to want him for himself, even though he's completely obtuse and has no idea that I want him at all. I think I could write him a poem and he'd think it was for someone else entirely. If he knew about you, he'd almost certainly withdraw.
"My evil plot was to make Minimus fall madly in love with me, in case they decided against me, in the hope that he'd decide to go against his principles and help me if I decided I didn't want to die. But now I really want to see him fall apart on my spike for his own sake, and also because I don't think I have ever known a person who needed it more."
When Loki jumps, he catches her and holds her fast. "I promise not to frag your brother. That would be in very poor taste. I cannot promise not to engage in wordplay with him, but I will never flirt with him in earnest. I may not be able to avoid telling him he's pretty, but I will always make sure he knows I think you're prettier, and that will always be absolutely true, because even if he has your green eyes, which he almost certainly doesn't, there won't be any dazzling mischief dancing in them, and he will never be the one who gave me back my heart." He kisses Loki fiercely.
"We're supposed to be spending more time talking about our lives. But I could rut you up against a tree in less than half an hour if you used your magic, and I wouldn't leave you wanting. I know you, now, in ways that your shape won't much alter." He raises an eyebrow. "But I know. We should talk. Maybe after, though."
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She nuzzles into his neck as he holds her up. "It's a human meme, but it sounds like you're trying to bed a Lawful Good when you're a Chaotic Neutral. Always a tricky proposition. It will not be me that stands in your way, in any case. I hope for his sake that you succeed."
That last comment is delivered in a playful purr. Loki, at least, has been thoroughly convinced that sex with Megatron is not an experience to be missed.
She chuckles a little. "I think Thor has a slight preference for feminine lovers, anyway, but that may be his awareness of the expectations placed upon him--to produce an heir to the throne--rather than just his own tastes. But no, I wouldn't stop you from wordplay with him, as long as it isn't in earnest."
Harley has flirted with Thor often enough, after all, and there was only one time it made Loki at all uncomfortable, which turned out to be a misinterpretation on Loki's part.
She breathes out a vehement huff of air at the offer to rut her up against a tree. What is this madness? It's like flipping a switch; all he had to do was bring it up and she's immediately turned-on. "I'm going to need you to be careful about making propositions like that," she laughs. "Apparently I've regressed into a hormonal teenager."
She wants. "...but lets get to the top of the bluff first, at least. There's a view that is not to be missed."
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He leans down to kiss her a little more, and listens to her explain about her brother. He has no intention of flirting with Thor. From everything he's heard so far, he'd rather flirt with Harley. Especially if there's a chance of having both of them. He doubts his feelings for any of Loki's lovers will be as strong as his feelings for Loki, but there's not a better way to establish he's willing to share and be shared than to actually lie down and do the sharing.
"Do you think saying that you need me to be careful about making propositions because you want to say yes is going to get me to stop?" Megatron sighs. At least he knows how to avoid getting a spike-ache from having it try to go right through the panel! (Mostly by shifting her weight so that her open legs aren't quite so exactly close to his pelvic panels.)
"The problem, my dear, is that nobody told my protoform or my brain module that I was ever supposed to grow out of being hormonal. We don't have exactly the same life stages as Asgardians or humans do, but I do hear that other mechs get over it to a greater degree than I ever did."
He sets her down very gently. "If we're going to walk to the top of the hill you're going to have to stand on your own two feet till we get there, because if I hold you like that any longer, walking will become uncomfortable." He laces his fingers through hers.
"I can't believe I was celibate for so long after my trial, and again for almost a month after Ravage went back. That says quite a bit about my mental health, and nothing at all good, either."
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Case in point, her willingness to be talked into semi-public lovemaking with minimal provocation.
Still, she lets him put her down and links hands again without complaint, humming happily. There's a moment where she swings their clasped hands idly as they go, like a child walking with a playmate, but when the path narrows and they need to walk single-file, she takes the lead easily. It's a little steep, but the rocks are well integrated into the dirt; there is no danger of even a being Megatron's weight dislodging or slipping upon them. As for Loki, she moves up the path with a light, almost silent step.
"I used to walk the mountains in Asgard like this," she says. "Especially in the early winter when the snow was still shallow enough to walk through. I used to know every path through the rocks, even the ones too small for anything bigger than a serpent."
"You know, I think I was a little undersexed when I was younger. I wasn't celibate by any means, but I was choosy about my lovers and I spent more time in study than anything else. But I do understand what you mean. After my exile from Asgard, I didn't let another person near me sexually for a few years. Not until Sakaar, and that was...an unusual set of circumstances, even for me."
"It was sort of a garbage-fire of a planet, Sakaar," she explains, with a blend of wry fondness and embarrassment. "And I was determined to work my way into the upper echelons of society there, which meant attending a great many parties, most of which devolved into orgies."
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He kisses her hand. "I like watching people enjoy themselves, especially if I care about them at all. Once, while we were all paired off, eight of us had all of our cabling daisy-chained. That was actually Soundwave's idea. He thought we should all have the same experience he was having. Orion had two lovers at home he did that with and he seconded the plan."
Megatron shrugs. "I don't think I would do that again, it's dangerous; and the only people I've ever opened up to as far as I do with you were Orion and Terminus--and it certainly didn't happen that fast. But I'm not going to judge you for lying with more than ten people in a night, because that would be utmost hypocrisy."
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Her tone is light; she's not looking for pity, but she is trying to be clear. "You spoke of gladiatorial battles; aside from the orgies, that was the primary preoccupation of the ruler and his court. And I can hold my own in battle better than most, but..."
She trails off, searching for words. "I have negative memories associated with battle, with training. And I doubted my ability to win against the alien beings I would have faced in the arena."
"No one ever said to me 'fuck or fight', but I cannot pretend there was no element of coercion or fear underlying my actions."
"But there was also an element of..." She pauses, lips pursed, and lets out a sigh. "In mortal circles, humans in particular, there is a subculture of power exchange and bondage games, as I think you well know. There is a condition some refer to called 'frenzy'. Overwhelming, desperate enthusiasm in the face of novel experiences. I've heard it likened to addiction. I never moved in such circles on Midgard itself, but I've had time to reflect and learn since my time on Sakaar."
"I liked it a little too much, I think, in a way that could have gotten out of control and led me down some unpleasant paths, had circumstances been just a little different. Yet another thing I owe Thor, I suppose. Had he not come in and ruined my fun, I might have just stayed there for the rest of my life."
"But that is a secret I won't be telling him. He definitely doesn't want to hear about my sexual misadventures."
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Ravage will always go out to the knife's edge to prove that she can--that he's not in any way lesser than anyone else, that his size and shape don't limit him, that her dancing and love affairs are proof of her freedom, that he cannot be owned and no-one controls him, that even when she gives herself away to plead or soothe, it is her choice alone.
Of course Soundwave wants to protect him. Not just from Megatron but from herself.
"Loki," he murmurs, and looks down into her green, green eyes. "I've been told I'm 'hypersexual' and 'manic', even. I've whored myself out when I've needed to, without shame. Was prepared to do it again, even. And I do enjoy a wild party, now and again, but now...only with people I trust, and there's not as many of those as their once were, and even fewer are willing to play. But I never want you to do anything you don't want to do with your whole heart, body and mind. I won't let that happen again to you. We're attuned; I will always know, as long as you're honest and open with me. And as much as I want to have you in all kinds of places, as glad as I'd be to share or be shared, it must only be if you wish it."
He kisses her lightly. "I want so much, but only if you're happy. And I think I owe Soundwave and Ravage another few thousand apologies."
He'd let Ravi, who'd been used as a whore in his youth, behave like one again for his pleasure.
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Instead of condescending or stifling, this feels safe. Even if she didn't mean to ask for sympathy or comfort this time, he gives it so freely and sweetly, how could she refuse?
"You said before you heard me cry out for what I need," she almost whispers, as if admitting a secret. "I believed you then and I believe you now. I trust you."
She holds onto the embrace for a moment, quiet, then leads the way up the last switchback to the top of the bluff with a warm smile. "I am certainly not above attending a party with people I trust. Lucifer's angels have invited me before, in fact, though I get the impression that's less of an orgy than an intoxicated mass cuddle pile that frequently ends in sex between two or three or more of them. I've yet to take them up on it, but I wouldn't be opposed as long as I had someone along to anchor me. I can and will lose myself if I walk into something like that alone and find myself surrounded by overwhelming elemental energies."
"Harley and I talked about it once, actually, though we didn't come to any conclusion." Loki wasn't sure if the group intimacy interested Harley in particular, but she knows she'd be capable of reeling Loki back in if necessary.
"There are very few sexual games I'm opposed to playing, as long as all participants are informed and amenable. I've just learned that some are riskier for me than others, and I am more vulnerable than I want to believe I am when I enter certain mental states. It just...feels so good to let go."
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He follows her up to the top of the hill. "I'd go with you to be your anchor, to any event you liked. But I should warn you--I don't think Lucifer likes me much. In some ways, he reminds me of Orion. He hates the violence in me, but it's part of my nature. Still, I would follow you there to protect you."
He slides an arm around her shoulder. "From what you've said of Harley, I already find her attractive. I suspect that you could have us both at once, if she were willing, though I cannot say for sure until I meet her for myself.
"You are also...a great deal like Ravage, in some ways. I think that one of the things that Soundwave is angriest at me for, aside from trying to steal her for my own, is that I let her go out into things like that on her own. I believed her when she said she could handle anything that came up for her. And yet I once I saw her walk out of a berthroom that belonged to a femme who'd done nothing but demean her up to that point. That did stop, after that, though...so maybe that was how they made their peace."
He sits down at the top of the bluff, and gives her arm a small tug to beckon her down with him. "The view is incredible," he says. "Tell me about the things that I'm seeing, here."
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"And you may have to like Ian from afar, or by reputation, but if you had heard some of the sweeter things he's said to me, you would understand why I want him so much. He is a chaotician. He compared me to the Butterfly Effect, and I was so touched I could scarcely respond."
Her eyes are misty, and it's hard to tell exactly what's set off that sentimental streak, until she sits beside him. Part of her is tempted to just settle directly into his lap, but she has a feeling that would divert them from conversation. Instead, she curls against his side like she's unwilling for there to be a molecule of air between them.
"I don't think I realized it meant quite that much to you," she says. "That conversation we had. I could feel it was important, but..."
She rubs her hand over her forehead, pushing back some of the loose, inky locks around her face. "I didn't do it for that. I was only being myself."
There is something akin to a minor existential crisis going on here, if such a thing can be an utterly positive experience. Loki looks dazed. It's a strange thing to have spent so much of her life struggling to earn love she thought she had to prove herself worthy of, to give up on the task utterly in the most violent way possible, and to come out the other side determined to be the best Loki she could be and damn the consequences--and to hear here and now that that Loki, that simple instinct to sympathize with those most like herself--that Loki is worthy of all this lavish affection and protective tenderness.
Part of her wants to burst into tears.
"I never get cold," she says, "but put your arm around me anyway?"
And she looks up at the sky overhead, searching the glittering stars. "Sometimes you can see whales going past, in the Nexus skies. Some of them fly here. They're beautiful."
She scrubs her sleeve across her face and tilts her head against him.
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He watches the sky, waiting for a flying whale. If he had a cloak he would throw it around them both. He doesn't often wear a cape. He thinks he could probably wear one for Loki, though.
They've told each other almost all their deepest, darkest secrets. They are sitting in a place that is special to Loki. They have certainly been intimate. No gifts have been exchanged, but she gave him back his life. That's probably devotion, though, not profference.
No. He is not going to think about this. Ravage will tell him he's lost his mind, and Ravage, as always, will likely be right.
"You are a butterfly effect," Megatron says with amusement. "Ian is right. He will need to meet me, eventually. If he's going to dislike me, he can dislike me for myself. I think that's fair. It doesn't have to be right away, but someday. I will protect him, you see. Even if he never cares for me, because he is yours, and something inside you would break, if you lost him."
Then he winces. "Orion once told me that I should have been the Lord Protector of Cybertron, when he was very, very drunk, and it was very, very late, and we were not supposed to be talking. He wanted me to fuck him and sparkmerge through that damned thing he let them put into his chest and I told him to go pound sand, I wouldn't abandon our people for fancy titles like he did. But it had a ring to it, somehow. I only know that I'd do anything to keep the people I still love, who still love me, safe in this world that has reason to wish them ill just for loving me."
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"This feels right," she observes, calming as the breeze whistles past them, and nods to herself. "The Winter Spirit warned me once not to allow myself to be tamed, or reduced into a single, simple self that does not acknowledge all aspects of Loki. I've thought about it a lot since then. I am a parent now, and a sibling, and a lover, and I can be all those things. I am fire and frost and wind and darkness, and I can be all those things, as well. I can be both the serpent and the victim of its dripping venom. But the turn of the Wheel, the cycle of lives and seasons, occurs outside of us and inside of us. I do not have to be the terrible herald of apocalypse and the tender mother of monsters all at the same time."
"My nature is changeable, but I think that you will understand that, even as you see it occur in front of you. I think you will still love me. That is a faith I did not expect to find."
"I trust you, with myself, and with the others I love." And that is a more momentous confession, to Loki's mind, than an I love you. After all, she never stopped loving Odin but she wouldn't trust him as far as she could throw a small planet.
"I don't know what the title of Lord Protector would even entail," she says wryly. "But you are, at least for me, a shelter from the cold both within and without."
"...and I'm sorry, I was trying to be sweet but you mentioned getting drunk and now I need to know what sort of spirits you drink in case we do have a party to attend at some point." Aaaaand there's the familiar glitter of mischief in her eyes.
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That.
Scrap. He hasn't told her that yet. Well. At least he can try to be cute about it.
"The only thing I can still get drunk on is you," Megatron says, and kisses her. But then, he vents in, and looks down past her eyes.
"I had a problem, Loki, and it got...pretty bad. It got so bad that Scorponok took over the fleet and hurt people, and I had to oust him. I had to get it taken care of. I didn't have time for discussion groups or religious nonsense. They modded my FIM chip, you won't know what that is, but no energon-based intoxicant has any effect on me now, nor ever will again."
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But it's not her place to tell Thor's business to someone he does not know, even someone she trusts.
There's a thrum as magic cycles through her energy fields, and then the form nestled against Megatron's side is Loki's masculine Jotun form, enlarged to be closer to him in height. It becomes clear why he's done this a second later as he simply gathers Megatron into his arms and squeezes him close. "Then I will have all of your attention at any parties we attend," he says in a voice that's still teasing but manages to be gentler nonetheless. "A silver lining in every cloud."
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He nuzzles Loki's throat. "I don't know what the title of Lord Protector entails exactly, either, although Soundwave's started calling himself Lord Protector of Destron. I think that might just mean 'Lord Protector of Ravage', though," he says with a chuckle. "I just thought it was funny, I guess. Your trust means more to me than anything. To shelter you is an honour. And now, here you are, sheltering me."
He tightens his arms around Loki. "And I will. Love you. Regardless. Man, woman, Jotun, Asgardian, wolf, spider, mother of monsters, herald of apocalypse--although I hope we do not have one soon--fire, frost, wind, light and darkness. I will hold you close through all your transformations and be endlessly grateful, not just to care for and protect you, but that you also do the same for me."
He ex-vents, quietly. "And I know. This is crazy. I hear it from Ravage whenever we speak. The suddenness frightens him. But I'm not being manic, and when he tells me this, I remind him that Soundwave fell in love with him at first sight. I'm using my circuit-stabilisers, and...mania makes me feel invincible. This is quite nearly...humbling. Spark bonds come on suddenly sometimes; sometimes, people just know. Thank you for deciding to be mad with me, Loki."
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The moment of immediate concern passes, but Loki will remember this conversation, both as a potential sore point and as a matter that may need to be discussed again some day, in more detail. He doesn't say so, but now that he thinks about it, it's no wonder that Megatron suffered a substance abuse problem. Leadership is a very heavy burden, and more so to someone carrying baggage from his own past.
"I will love you, too," he murmurs. Which is cheating, in a way, dodging his own uncertainty by making what sounds like a future promise rather than a current confession. Is this caution or cowardice? Either way, it's not a lie. He could say I love you now and it would not be a lie. He's just not quite ready.
He takes in a deep breath and lets it out again in a soft, drawn-out sigh, drinking in the affection while giving back what he can. The mention of mania and circuit-stabilisers prompts a pensive little hum from his throat. Context makes this sound very much like medication, and some part of him is relieved to hear that, even hopeful. Thor has been treated by Eir for trauma and depression, and the children have their therapists and doctors, and Loki...wouldn't even know where to begin with his own issues, but despite being built of very different materials, perhaps there is common ground between them all.
One hand comes up to stroke Megatron's head and upper back in a few slow, smooth passes. "Circuit-stabilisers," he echoes. "Will you tell me more? I do not believe you are being manic, either. I know the feeling too well, myself, from the inside."
"My culture, the culture of Asgard, has never dealt well with mental and emotional wounds, or innate differences in the inner worlds of its own people. That is one of the reasons I think the children are better with me, and why I am protective of them." He kisses his forehead. "There are changes being made in the new Asgard, slowly but surely, but I have no patience when it comes to the welfare of my little ones."
"My brother struggles. There have been times in the last two years when I watched him break and scrambled to pick up the pieces, and times he did the same for me. If I'm interpreting context correctly, your insight might help."
warning: this may not be as comforting as you expect it to be ...
Megatron smiles wryly. "Ravage got me to go back to it; it was one of the promises he extracted from me before he left the ship."
He frowns. "I've survived a shadowplay attempt, Loki. They call it 'personality adjustment' when it's done to someone disposable, which I absolutely was at the time. I was fortunate not to lose my intellect or creativity, but it left me with a phobia of needles, because I woke up while they had needles in my spinal circuitry and brain module, and a propensity for manic episodes that got more and more severe as the stress on me increased over time."
He lets himself slump against Loki and cling to him, resting his head on Loki's shoulder, face pressed into the curve where neck and shoulder meet. "I'm a piece of work, and also a work in progress, but you knew that. That's only one of the things that happened to me during the first worst day of my life. Right after that narrow escape, the mines began to collapse. That's when I lost Terminus. I've told you bits about him, here and there. He was my first real lover, and he was already dying. I would rather have taken his life myself, out of love, than left him to die like that. I decided not to go to my next assignment, since someone had already decided I needed my attitude managed, and went to the arena instead. That's when I really started to drink. We all did. But while I was in the arena, and later, when we were actively in revolt and they were hunting us, we had to be careful about it. After the revolt got well under way, though, and I had my own flagship, the others cut back, and I didn't; it seemed safe for me to get worse, and I did. It took Scorponok's betrayal to make me realise how fragged up I actually was."
Megatron closes his optics as tightly as he can, but he's going to cry anyway, no matter what he does. "There are so many things I want to tell you about those days. Good things, even. Not everything was unrelentingly awful. But even when we were happy, there was usually a body count."
He presses a kiss to Loki's throat, where the pulse surges against his lips.
"I may be of more use to your brother than your children, in this respect. A lot of people drink when they have gone to war. But I'll do whatever I can to help."
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He thinks it better not to go into excessive detail about Thor's problems, not until he can check with his brother and see how receptive he might be to empathy from a stranger, but he dares to hope a different perspective--even one as dark and painful as this one--might be supportive.
The unfolding tale takes his breath away, and for more than one reason. His clasp around Megatron's shoulders tightens a little, protective, and simultaneously the temperature of his own skin and the air around them drops, an instinctual Jotun reaction to fear or pain--or the memory thereof. Undirected as it is, it's not the searing chill that can destroy Aesir armor, but the energy flux is noticeable.
"The Black Order had microsurgery needles," he says quietly. "Which could be heated to burning temperatures inside the body."
There's a lot more that could be said there, but Loki absolutely will fall apart if it's discussed in detail; he can still hold himself together and be comforting right now. But he understands the horror being described to him, intimately.
The tragedy, on the other hand--the talk of Terminus and being forced to abandon him--that is somewhat beyond his personal experience, but it hurts to hear. His hands are restless, stroking over Megatron's back as if looking for some sort of physical wound that could be healed or comforted.
"If I could change that past for you, I would," he says. "But if it will give you any comfort at all, I will light a candle in honor of your lost love, when next I burn one for my mother, and the children for their dead families."
He did not mean to prompt such painful revelations, but the kiss to his throat tells him he is forgiven--or perhaps that there is nothing to forgive. "I'm here," he adds softly, a whisper of reassurance he's offered to Thor and the children in the past. "I'm here."
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He kisses Loki's throat again. "The candle, though. Yes, that is a comfort. You would have loved him, too, I think. He was sly and funny and ruthless and brilliant. He used to proofread my earliest writings. We fell in love because we both loved books, living in a place where most of the people we knew could barely read. He was the first person ever to read my poetry. Some people I've known would disapprove of it if they knew, because he was so much older than me. But he understood me, and was proud of me, and I don't remember the first time I ever interfaced, but I remember the first time with him as if it had happened yesterday. It took me such a long time to convince him, even though he wasn't ill yet, then, that someone as young and beautiful as I was then could want him.
"I often wonder what he'd think of me now. He told me often enough in those days that I was too idealistic, and too forgiving, and that Orion--who at that time was only a friend, a correspondent I'd never met--and I were going to have to understand that the changes we wanted to see would mean war. I wasn't ready to accept that until the day they nearly destroyed me, and he died. I can't believe I ever thought I wouldn't have to be a murderer. But I found out that killing was a whole lot easier than I had ever thought it could be after that, and that in fact, I had a talent for it."
He's calmer now, though suddenly feeling quite tired. "You know as much about this, now, as Ravage does, and he's my amica. More than Orion did." He needs to lie down, for a moment at least, and lies back on the ground, tugging Loki down with him with quiet pleading in his optics, and then he kisses him: thoroughly, but not with fierce hunger or urgency, more for close comfort and to anchor himself in the present than anything else. Here, they are together, and everything's as fine as it will ever be. Here, in the Nexus, under different stars. Here, where he doesn't have to be or do anything other than love and be loved.
He'll go back to the ship, but he doesn't want to. He finds it strangely hard to care about the Knights of Cybertron or their justice. The people there don't need him. Except for Minimus, he's alone there, really.
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When Megatron lies down, Loki is quick to follow, stretching out atop him with his legs half looped over him and half stretched back into the long grass. He doesn't hesitate to accept that kiss--accept isn't the right word; he encourages it, taking all the affection and reflecting it back. "I would have loved him, too," he confirms when they pause, looking into Megatron's eyes. "And I will remember him with you."
Shifting again, Loki's shape dwindles back into the softer, paler feminine form, and she stretches her arms across the span of his chest, resting her head close to the panel behind which his spark lies. The cuddling, the star-watching, this is what she had hoped for, but the conversation, painful as it is, was important.
"I think we will have a number of these revelations in our first weeks and months together," she says. "Because we are still learning where one another's scars are, and because we began and mean to go on with openness about our pasts. But I'm ready for that, if you are. There's joy to be had here, too."
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His arms tighten around her. "I don't think joy is ever far away when we're together like this. It's not the same joy I felt when we were in bed...but I feel more whole than I did this morning."
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[OOC: "sweetspark (loved)", because I can google Icelandic but I make up Cybertronian words myself out of the languages they used for the canonical words we already have, and they're all portmanteaux from those languages...]
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She nods a little without lifting her head. "It's different, to recount old hurts to sympathetic ears. It's different when you can trust the person you are with to hear you with understanding."
One of her hands reaches out to find his and thread her fingers between his. "This is beautiful."
((ooc: that is lovely. Loki always tries to use unique endearments for each lover and for each of his children.))
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After a moment, he realises this might be ridiculous. Even if he never leaves the Nexus again, there are plenty of people who still want to kill him, and the anti-violence field is not perfect.
"I'm going to believe you're right," he says, "especially since you've come back once already. I'm going to believe you'll be here as long as you're wanted and needed. So. Probably at least three million years. I've somehow managed to reach an age where mechs start to feel older rather than younger, but I'm not on the downslope yet. Most Cybertronians don't die of old age."
He lifts their joined hands to his lips and kisses her fingertips. "What's beautiful? Us? I agree." He smiles and looks up at the sky. Planets and stars move. A million years from now, when they are lying here, what will the stars look like, then?
"Do you realise that you're subconsciously planning to spend the rest of your life with me?" He kisses the back of her hand. "I want that too. I don't care if it's crazy. I've decided we get to be happy, now."
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Sorry this took forever, went to the dentist today and then I rewrote this a lot
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