"I wanted to live enough to kill every day for fifty thousand days in the arena. All those deaths would mean nothing if I just let go, now..."
He looks at Loki with an expression of deep gratitude, sincerely felt. "It isn't in me to worship anyone or anything, because I believe too much in people becoming everything they can be, whether or not they are gods. But if I did want to worship a god, it would be someone like you."
"I don't know why I did some of the things that I did, exactly. There's a place in the middle of it all where everything stops making sense to me now, but it all made some kind of sense at the time. The opposite of the eye of a storm. I was the storm, but at the centre, some incomprehensible violence. I was never intended to breathe free air, but I fell in love with the sky. My first love died because they thought he wasn't worth repairing. My second one betrayed me because he couldn't understand why I thought we would have to kill to free ourselves. Posh little whore couldn't see we were already dying all over the place all around him, even after he stood with me on Ravage's roof during the riots in Stanix. Fragging cop. And I thought he loved me.
"I've been an idiot. I tried to break Ravage and Soundwave up because Ravage is the only other person who doesn't judge me, and I wanted him to go on my quest with me. But they're as much in love as I ever was with Terminus or thought I was with Orion. I don't think they believe in me any more, but they believe in what I taught them.
"I don't feel fear the way other people do, but I don't think I've ever awakened from recharge fully believing I'd be alive until I needed another defragmentation cycle. Is that a place of pain and terror, or do I simply just see the world as it is, Loki?"
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dancing_serpent
(no subject)
Date: 2020-11-11 03:20 am (UTC)"I wanted to live enough to kill every day for fifty thousand days in the arena. All those deaths would mean nothing if I just let go, now..."
He looks at Loki with an expression of deep gratitude, sincerely felt. "It isn't in me to worship anyone or anything, because I believe too much in people becoming everything they can be, whether or not they are gods. But if I did want to worship a god, it would be someone like you."
"I don't know why I did some of the things that I did, exactly. There's a place in the middle of it all where everything stops making sense to me now, but it all made some kind of sense at the time. The opposite of the eye of a storm. I was the storm, but at the centre, some incomprehensible violence. I was never intended to breathe free air, but I fell in love with the sky. My first love died because they thought he wasn't worth repairing. My second one betrayed me because he couldn't understand why I thought we would have to kill to free ourselves. Posh little whore couldn't see we were already dying all over the place all around him, even after he stood with me on Ravage's roof during the riots in Stanix. Fragging cop. And I thought he loved me.
"I've been an idiot. I tried to break Ravage and Soundwave up because Ravage is the only other person who doesn't judge me, and I wanted him to go on my quest with me. But they're as much in love as I ever was with Terminus or thought I was with Orion. I don't think they believe in me any more, but they believe in what I taught them.
"I don't feel fear the way other people do, but I don't think I've ever awakened from recharge fully believing I'd be alive until I needed another defragmentation cycle. Is that a place of pain and terror, or do I simply just see the world as it is, Loki?"