Inbox (Caldera)

[coldsong]

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they are distracted.

Kindly leave a message."

Comments

[coldsong]

Under other circumstances, Loki would REALLY want to pick apart Gadriel's response to him there. As it is, all that he manages to say is: "Well is it possible that not all supernatural power comes from the Warp as you know, just maybe--"

But at least he's more amused than offended. Nina, on the other hand, looks like she's about to spit hot nails. Loki takes another step out of the kill zone, eyes widening, and then after a moment's thought, he retreats still further, and, like Gadriel, puts his back to a tree, covering his mouth with one hand. Hard to tell if that's concern or him stifling a laugh. Probably both.

"I-if I may just make a brief comment--fire, like any element, has both a creative and a destructive nature. It's not as if she's spitting ichor or voidstuff, that would be concerning. Fire is at least part of the natural world."

[likeiron]

"So did you, idiot! Just because you're 'already corrupted'" with air quotes and everything, "doesn't mean you're fucking immune to this so called heretical bullshit!" She pointed a finger up at him. "You're the one that took me to the healer last, Gadriel! I wasn't even fucking conscious! And even if I was — what was I supposed to do? Just refuse and die in front of you and Davrin? I can't win here. I'm either cursed or I'm fucking dead."

She glared over at Loki. Nina... may have forgotten he was there. "At least destruction is on theme for me." She huffed. "Am I fucking cursed forever or what? I need to know if my brother is going to shun me for the rest of my life or lock some guy in fucking prison or not."

[thecodexabides]

"I did not know the healer I brought you to was a sorcerer! I had been there earlier and the Inquisitor was there. She did not use sorcery. Obviously." Being an Inquisitor and all. "I feel bad enough that he was a sorcerer to begin with, and now....this?!" Seriously, just punch him because it would hurt less than the guilt.

Besides, Loki get in one this spaghetti throw of rage. "Then how do you explain this? What is the source of sorcery if not formless energy? The power to do something with sorcery comes from somewhere." That is the Warp.

Now back to Nina. "I never said I would shun you!" The wizard prison, yes, he owns that. "If anything I would have to redeem myself to you for condemning you with this." So, she was stuck with him.

[coldsong]

"First of all, there's no such thing as cursed forever," Loki says, happy to be able to offer that reassurance. "All magic, good and evil, follows a pattern, and every pattern has a loophole. So no, don't worry about that bit. It's just a matter of pulling at the threads until it unravels."

"And that's assuming this is negative in the first place. From what I can tell, your flesh is fine, your mind is fine. I don't do souls so you'll have to gauge that bit on your own, but I see no reason to assume you've been harmed."

He tilts his head at Gadriel. "Formless energy is neither good nor evil. It does not elevate, it does not corrupt, it just is, like water. We perish without enough of it; we perish if submerged in it for too long."

"Magic occurs when the will of the sorcerer, or wizard, or mage, or petitioner, channels that energy. The method of channeling it can be risky, the individual can be wicked, but that's not really the energy's fault. I truly don't understand your objection, but I'm not sure now is the time to break down into philosophy either. Your question is whether Nina is permanently changed, and so far the only answer I can give you is: maybe."

"Is that change negative? It doesn't seem to be, to me. But it may take time to be certain."

"If I could give you a straighter answer, I would."

[likeiron]

"Half the people here are sorcerers!" The chances were so high that they'd run into one. And besides, nothing mundane would have healed those burns. He had to know that.

"Augh!" That, was just a furious growl of unbridled rage. Everyone was talking too much. Gadriel was annoying her with his stupid redemption bullshit, and Loki was just talking too much in general about things she didn't understand. She wouldn't punch Gadriel, but she would stride to the next tree over and punch so hard she actually shattered a good chunk of the wood.

She also absolutely fucked up her bare knuckles, blood spilling onto the snow dusted ground. As she opened her mouth to comment on the fact that nothing happened, flames flared around the wound, like her hand had ignited, and burned the blood away in an instant. "Hey, I fucking hate that, by the way, but there you go!"

cw self injury???

[thecodexabides]

"That's because this place is crawling with Chaos. How do none of you see it? The instability? Volcano from out of nowhere? Does nobody have questions about these sudden manifestations?!"

"You all tell me how sorcery works in your world, like you think it is universal. If not all blue elves are evil," Jury still out on that btw, "in your worlds, that does not make them not evil in mine. If sorcery is magical pure goodness in your world, that does not mean it is in mine. Why will you not ADMIT I might know something about Chaos?! I have fought a Lord of Change! I have fought in the grounds of the Immaterium itself! Why do you all think I am ignorant of how my world works?" He needed a minute to catch his breath because...does he feel better after all of that?

Absolutely not. Get ready for round two.

He had had hopes that they had some level of narthecium combat healing agent, because that would have fixed her right up. "So it's my fault? You're blaming me." Fine, because he was also blaming himself.

Loki, you don't get a vote on this.

Oh is that what we were doing. Was property destruction and self harm what is on the menu for right now? Fine. He went over to the tree she had punched, and yanked a large splinter out, about as long as his hand and held it like a dagger, and drove it into a gap in his armor on his inner thigh. Blood spilled out as he jerked the blade of wood out, and then slowed, almost immediately, to a stop. He tossed the bloodstained wood at her feet. "No sorcery needed."

u got served?

jfc u guysn (also cw for eye trauma)

[coldsong]

Loki starts at the flare of fire around her skin, but manages to steel himself in time to really watch it, and finds himself reminded of nothing so much as Thor. It would be lightning for him, like in that final fight with Hela, power erupting from his very blood to save what was left of him after her knife dug out his eye.

He would offer his opinion on this, except now Gadriel is yelling and in spite of all his best intentions and most graceful posturing, Loki's stomach does a flip flop and tries to hide behind his liver. Fuck. The last thing he needs right now is to panic. He takes a sharp, hissing breath and speaks: "No one is questioning your knowledge of your own world, only your knowledge of this one. But you seem so bound by your own certainty that you cannot hear that. If we were in your world and you claimed using magic risked corruption, I would listen to you. But we're not there. We--"

And then the lunatic is breaking a splinter off of a tree and jamming it into his thigh, and maybe Loki's nerves make him slower than usual but he literally cannot figure out what that was meant to prove.

Surrounded by unbridled rage and people who are much stronger and much faster to heal than he is, he suddenly feels very vulnerable. "...please stop."

Was this a mistake? This was a mistake.

[likeiron]

Oh, this fucking song and dance again. Forever and ever and ever in a loop of unending 'you don't understand me and I don't understand you' bullshit that only made Nina more pissed.

"I'm not blaming you!" She snapped, but before she could continue, he was stomping over, grabbing the wood — Nina would never assume he meant her harm, so her first thought was he might somehow go for Loki, for whatever reason in his fury about sorcery, and she moved like she was ready to intercept... when he stabbed himself instead.

Then, she was moving toward him, hand on Gadriel's wrist. "What the fuck — why would you do that?!" Not unlike Loki, she sure didn't understand the point he was making. There were tears in her eyes now. "He's right. You have to stop. Please, Gadriel. I know it sucks. I don't understand it either, but I'm fine. The magic won't hurt me, clearly. You have to trust me."

cw body horror

[thecodexabides]

Gadriel doesn't know what's more upsetting. That everyone basically tl;dr his big explanation, or that Nina...thought he was going to attack her. Attack her. Or Loki, whom he'd invited.

She didn't trust him. Even she thought he was dangerous.

That...was not a good feeling.

But what was worse was Loki. Because he knew that sudden stillness in the body, and the hollowed voice. He shook Nina's hand off his wrist, crossing over to Loki, trying to turn him away from the scene before him, and trying to pull him to walk, one hand bracing his shoulder. "Walk with me, brother."

He had seen that look, worn it himself, as an Aspirant. When your closest friend fell in combat before you. When you saw a servitor, and realized that beyond the slack jawed lobotomized face was someone you had trained alongside, tested alongside, and he had failed and by the narrowest margin of luck, you had not. There wasn't a word he knew for that.

But he knew the look. The voice. "Please. Brother. Walk with me."

He would deal with Nina later. With her broken trust of him, later. He had asked a favor of Loki and this was...this was not supposed to happen. He had to at least try to fix it.

cw: canon death referenced

[coldsong]

What an insane place this Caldera is! Loki is shaken, but not so far gone he's dissociating or in an actual panic, and he is reading body language as the next few seconds unfold. The woman--the Ogreslayer--moves to intercept Gadriel, and actually it's a pity she wasn't able to keep him from stabbing himself but the signals are clear enough. She's not inclined to let frustration turn into violence directed against any people present. Just that much is reassuring. She's protecting him, at least a little bit, even if it's more for the sake of her friend than for Loki.

It's good, and it's probably that sliver of reassurance that enables him to stand his ground against the walking tank approaching him. So much like Thanos in size and form, something in the back of his head screams that he's about to be picked up and throttled, and honestly the pain wasn't bad the last time but the sounds of bone crunching and blood pouring into cavities it wasn't meant to be in, that was a few seconds of exquisite suffering--

But the animal terror is mitigated, which is good because no one needs to see Loki in full fight-or-flight mode right now. Rather, he stares up at Gadriel with wide eyes, like a deer in headlights, only to calm a little at his words. Sure, there are probably people who would call you brother and then hurt you, but that happens to be just about the only word Loki can hear and trust on a level instinctive enough to settle his own fear responses. You call him 'brother' and mean it, and he hears Thor.

His shoulders relax, and he lets himself be steered, though he's still confused and rattled. "I am here. Where do we walk?" After a moment, he shifts a little and clasps his own hand around Gadriel's wrist.

"...you would have liked my brother. Thor. You both would." Even if he's being steered away from Nina, he hasn't forgotten her existence or her need for care, and after a second he looks back at her, quizzical, as if to signal that he has very much lost the thread of what's going on here and presumes whatever is occurring she's still a part of it.

[likeiron]

“Gadriel—” No. There was no way he was walking away from her again, right? Brushing her off like an annoying gnat. She was here for him! Because he worried for her soul and she wanted him to stop thinking he had hurt her somehow. And maybe she had been worried, a little, too, but how could she not be when a man she trusted kept insisting she was cursed? How do you ignore the signs like the fire flaring around every wound she had; sealing it shut like it had never happened? It wasn't the magic he knew, but it wasn't the magic she knew either, and it was too odd a coincidence to not be caused by something.

Not that it mattered anymore, apparently. Nina felt like that shattered wood he pulled from the tree had been plunged into her chest now when he moved toward Loki to comfort him. Suddenly, she didn't matter anymore? Maybe the flames should have just engulfed her and be fucking done with it.

She had no qualm with Loki, but when their eyes met, it was a look of hurt, of frustration, of jealousy that he had been called brother when she, Gadriel's sister, was right there, just as confused as when she had arrived and with no true answer to her questions.

Fine.

Fuck this. Fuck Gadriel. Fuck them both. Nina stalked off in the opposite direction, back to Grey Ward, without a word.

[thecodexabides]

"Nina, please...." He tracked Nina leaving, and he knew enough about the set of her shoulders to realize he had, once again, ruined something. When he was trying to fix it. If he knew the expression of a 'bull in a china shop' he would feel that way--every move he made in this place he seemed to break something, no matter how carefully he tried not to.

Nina's corruption was his fault. She'd made it clear to him that she blamed him for bringing her to a sorcerer. And if he had to do it again, he hated, with all the force of someone indoctrinated to hate on extreme levels, that he would still have made the same choice. It was selfish of him to want her alive, and healed, but touched by Chaos. He would rather have her alive and mad at him and even with this strange magic...than dead.

He must have become corrupted, because he would choose to do the same thing all over again. Even with the cost.

And even if she never spoke to him again.

"We just need to move." Walking anywhere in particular didn't matter. Movement did. A freeze response got you killed in combat. Get up. Keep moving. You needed to move. It didn't matter where. "If he is worthy of being called your brother, I would."

[coldsong]

Loki has no idea what just happened. One moment he was deadass convinced there was about to be a brawl that destroyed at least some of the local plant life. Now Nina is jealous and upset and walking away, and Gadriel is trying to comfort him? It doesn't compute. Even if he weren't shaken up, it wouldn't compute, and for once in his life Loki just...surrenders. For the moment. Whatever's broken will have to be fixed later.

Just move. Just walk. He can do that. He keeps his hand on Gadriel's wrist.

"Hah, no one's worthier than Thor," he says softly. "Truly, the best and brightest of all of Asgard's warriors, and somehow he still had my mother's kind heart. As many times as I pushed him away, he kept coming back for me."

"He deserved better than to watch me die," he adds. "But I think I bought him time, if nothing else."

[thecodexabides]

Nina should not be jealous. Nina should be glad that she didn't understand what was happening. One of their usual brawls would have been a relief, because Gadriel had only one way to work off emotions he did not understand and it involved breaking things.

Things. Not people.

"No one is worthier than the one who lays his life down to protect his brother." Sorry, he respectfully disagreed. However fearsome a warrior Thor was, anyone who sacrificed himself for his brother was also worthy of honor and respect.

He hadn't expected it of Loki, but now looking back on his first night...it kind of made sense. Loki had offered himself up as a target for Gadriel's anger. Even then, he had shown courage and honor. Gadriel just had not understood.

He understood now. When it was probably too late.

[coldsong]

Of all the people to give him a glimmer of closure, Gadriel is not the one he would have expected. Poor Thor, his last words to Loki were you really are the worst, brother and in a way it's funny, in another way it's richly deserved, but Loki suspects it hurts him now, unless he's passed beyond pain and into Valhalla. Regardless, it feels better than it should to have his last actions in the Nine Realms understood. He looks up at Gadriel briefly, an almost childlike hope written in his eyes, but he doesn't hold his gaze for long.

"We were on a ship with the last remnants of our people. Our planet was destroyed," he explains. "By our half-sister, and the fire demon Surtr...long story." Every story he has is a long story, full of nuance. He'll try to keep it simple.

"But we were able to escape with a few thousand civilians, until Thanos and the Black Order attacked. There was an item they wanted. A...a magical weapon, of sorts." If he goes into the history of the Tesseract, they'll never stop walking. "It was my fault; I had it, and he knew I would have it, or know where it was, but if I had just left it drifting in the cosmic dust where Asgard once was, he would have gotten it and then come to kill us later."

"The Valkyrie was able to get the women and children and elderly away, while the rest of us held them off as long as we could. Thanos was obsessed with balance; he wanted to destroy half of all life in the universe. I knew him too well. I just...took the chance that if I forced his hand against me, he would spare Thor."

"I know he did. As I was fading, they were leaving. The ship was falling apart, but..." But Loki survived a fall through space for days. Thor could as well, easily. "I think it worked."

[thecodexabides]

Gadriel wasn't sure he followed the entire story, but what he got was: ship full of innocent refugees. A weapon they needed to interdict from an enemy. A daemon (FINALLY someone understood those). A very confusing family. (How are you related to a daemon, that's not how it works.)

"So your sacrifice not only saved your brother, but an entire ship of refugees." Does... Does Loki not listen to himself? "Brother, your courage should be legendary among your people, and your name honored." And your geneseed revered but he knows other places don't, uh, do that part. "If that is not the case, they are unworthy of you."

[coldsong]

"Well, I...I did a lot of bad things first," he says, but he's leaning into the hand on his shoulder now, clearly affected by the reassurance. "There was a...a dispute over the throne, between myself and Thor, and I learned I was adopted, which is something my parents should have mentioned when I was a child. I left home because of all that." This is a heinous oversimplification, but Loki wouldn't expect Midgardian humans to understand Asgardian royal politics, let alone a man who comes from a world like Gadriel's.

"And I was always ill-fitting. The ethos of Asgard was battle, glory, directness, and I am more of a mage than a fighter. I was considered cowardly, sometimes...ergi. Unclean, improper, weak. I don't think there's a direct translation into common language."

"Anyway. I left home, and was captured by Thanos and his Order. They had me for nearly a year. The things I was forced to do were...unforgivable. I held out as long as I could, mostly out of spite, but..."

There's a long pause, and then: "I do understand your concern about corruption. Magic is like...radiation. It can burn. There was an artifact they had. The Mind Stone. Sometimes I think it still has its claws in me. Sometimes I think all of this is an illusion, and I'll wake up and find myself in chains again, with the fires roaring outside my cell, burning me to nothing."

[thecodexabides]

Oh, Loki, if only you knew. "The Emperor's sons," Long story, but he is trying to simplify in his own way, "our Primarchs, all fought. Bitterly. Some slew others. One tried to slay the Emperor himself. That is how it is." Fighting over a throne was literally normal.

There is the whole sorcerer thing, and Gadriel could understand how that could have been a problem. "Where I am from, psykers who can fight join the Grey Knights, or if not they can become Inquisitors. Both are powerful. It sounds like your chap--your family did not know how to use your abilities. That is not your failing."

Gadriel is trying to follow "So most of the 'bad things' you have done, you were forced to do, and even then you resisted doing them?" Again. Loki. Do you HEAR yourself? "Please explain how this is not courage? Maybe not the courage of a Templar, but courage nonetheless?"

And, yes, about that. "That is my concern. That is why our Chaplains question us, especially after contacts with Chaos."

[coldsong]

That gets a look of surprise. For some reason, he didn't think Gadriel's Emperor sounded like the type to have sons, let alone permit a struggle over his dynasty. There is a lot he doesn't understand about his world, clearly. "Maybe we should talk about history more...another time."

Because he's too shaken to really appreciate the information just now. He just feels he should. They'll understand one another better if they can exchange these kinds of stories.

"My mother taught me most of what I learned. I think she was the only one who really understood me at the time."

Such praise! Is this same man who he was afraid was going to hurt him twenty minutes ago? It's not exactly helping Loki ground himself in reality, but he has been so desperate for someone to see something worthwhile in him for such a long time, the idea of rejecting this kindness doesn't even cross his mind. Maybe he'll wonder at himself later.

"Most of them?" He echoes softly. "I don't know...it's complicated. More than half, though. But I failed. I did try, but I failed, and so many people suffered for it. I don't apologize any longer, because the people that deserve it most are dead."

And there is a dark, angry part of him that wanted to kill Thor at least once or twice. Something bitter and cold and alienated that was ready, just for a moment, to watch Asgard burn out of spite. That part of him failed, too. You lack conviction. Maybe lacking conviction in your attempt to enact evil is almost like a virtue. Almost.

"You're his height. Thanos. Built like him, armored like him. You're not like him, though. More and more I see that. Maybe you could even have fought him to a standstill, if you had been there."

His walking slows for a second, talk of the Mind Stone distracting him, and he rubs his forehead with the heel of his hand. "I hadn't thought of that angle until now. I am used to magic being a natural part of my body. I was born with it. I was born to change my shape and ride the wind. But there's magic and then there is...that. Fragments of the infinite that are simply too big for any one person, even a god, to come into contact with and escape unchanged. This is what you fear when you try to warn us about Chaos?"

[thecodexabides]

Gadriel only knew as much theology as he needed to, but what he remembered of it said that the Emperor had a grand purpose to it all, and saw it all coming, all spun out on the web of destiny including Horus's betrayal.

Where Gadriel is from, brothers support their brothers. When one falls or falters, another is there to help them up. If Lyreo or even Chairon had come to him like this, he would remind him of the same. Loki's brother did not sound worthy of the title.

"Everyone fails. Eventually. Victory or loss is not the measure of worth. It is the attempt. Every man falls in time. Not every man tried to stand first. It sounds like you did, many times."

He listens, slowing his steps to keep pace. "Psykers are born with their abilities. Even they know they are susceptible to Warp corruption. I saw an astropath taken by a Chaos sorcerer. He tore through her body like a curtain of blood. If it could happen to a trained psyker, with all the protections we know..." He shrugs. No one was ever truly safe. "That is how it is where I am from, at least." See, he's learning. He's not assuming.

[coldsong]

"I...I did. I tried." Feels like he's been trying to live up to one ideal or another and failing ever since he was a child. Learning he was Jotun and not Aesir at all explained it perfectly for a while, and then he rode the wave of his own rage until it broke. Then he ran on fear and pain. Until this place, where there is just enough space to catch his breath and think and try to piece himself back together.

A task he doesn't relish. But Gadriel has a point here, as well. The attempt to stand is valuable in itself, even if there is no guarantee of success. Maybe Loki is destined to be the god of losers, or simply a loser without the benefits of divinity, but he is, at least, capable of trying. Still. Again.

"So not all magic is directly from the Warp? What is the distinction between a sorcerer and a psyker?" No, this is good. Maybe they can cobble together a language that they can both understand, in this moment where Gadriel's good will is at a high ebb, and Loki's defensive walls are down.

cw; slavery just to be safe?

[thecodexabides]

No one fully lives up to their ideals for themselves. That is why one met with the Chaplain regularly, to discuss one's shortcomings and commit to better. It sounds like Loki's world would benefit from someone wearing a human skull as a mask to discuss one's failures at length.

Maybe not though.
Gadriel's no Chaplain but he knows that much.

That's an interesting discussion and Gadriel's not entirely sure. "Sorcerers have given over their lives to Chaos. They channel a specific Chaos god's powers and are beholden to their demands." So, magical slaves, really? "Psykers have natural abilities, but they are not as strong as sorcerers. And some pledge their loyalty to the Imperium." Pledge...or be forced to pledge on pain of death? Same same.

[coldsong]

"That sounds more akin to what we would call a warlock, where I come from, or maybe the avatar of a particular sort of god." It sounds like the sort of thing Hela might have done, claiming mortals or weaker gods as her vessels, granting them power in exchange for servitude.

"For me, it's not like calling upon something greater, some well of chaotic energy or dark power. It's more like telling the universe around you a story, and telling it so well and so sweetly that the world believes it and changes itself accordingly. Some of what I can do I was born to do, and some I learned from my mother, or other teachers."

"But I've seen dark powers, too. Demons, angry gods, Cosmic Things that are so far beyond life as we know it that they draw no distinction between creation and destruction. Svartálfar that wanted only to return reality to primordial darkness--they were like the drukhari you speak of, I imagine. It is...complicated. The spiritual world is rife with both good and evil, and it's tricky to tell the one from the other."