Control (Ship of Nails: Part 1)

[coldsong]

In the days after Harley’s ordeal with the Joker, Loki is hard to live with. He was terrified of losing her, of course, and he’s given up trying to pretend otherwise. But that is an emotion so big and overwhelming he can’t cope with it on top of everything else in his head. The past pushes aside the present and the potential of the future, love crushed beneath the weight of something dark and sickly.
There was a wound in his mind still, from what Thanos did to him. He’s known that all along, known it was festering, and there were times he tried to express that, but for the most part, he failed.



Maybe he didn’t want to succeed. Maybe he wanted to keep suffering, somewhere deep down. He doesn’t believe in atonement or penance or forgiveness, but he does believe in vengeance.

Now the frail scab of functional behavior he’s built over the wound has broken, been split and torn away, and all the necrosis, corruption, infection it held back, has spilled free. It’s drowning him. He wants to hurt and be hurt again and again and again...

He pays Mrs. Hedgeworthy extra to stay overnight. He’s afraid to be alone with the children.

He’s afraid to be alone with the children.

Brushing out Sigrid’s hair before bedtime, he’s always so delicate, untangling elf-knots without pulling, and she trust him utterly, but when he looks into the mirror of her vanity, her face is going grey, eyes bulging, mouth gaping; her hair is tangled around her throat and he’s pulling it tight, tighter, tighter, grinning a slasher smile as she struggles--

No, no, no! He springs up and backs away so wildly he falls over one of her shoes left behind on the floor.

“Loki??” She’s fine. She is untouched, he was hallucinating, but now she looks horrified by his unexplained panic. “Loki, what’s wrong?”

Mrs. Hedgeworthy appears in the doorway in a fuzzy yellow bathrobe with a duckling print all over it. Her eyes are sharp as she looks him over. He feels like prey, pinned down, seen through. He feels like a predator, ready to spring and snap and break necks. It’s too much. His stomach heaves and he has to cover his face with both hands, fighting back the need to vomit.

For a moment he’s not there, ears ringing, vision gone, and when he becomes aware of the room around him again, Sigrid and Agnarr are both there, with Mrs. Hedgeworthy, all standing around him with wide, frightened eyes.

“...call Thor,” Sigrid is saying, words rapid-fire, anxious. “Or maybe Kelly's dad, or Harley but she’s sick, or the other Loki, the one with the bar--”

“No!” He grits out. “No. Not now. Nighttime. Call in the morning.” He gulps air, pulls himself back together so forcibly his teeth rattle. “Mrs. Hedgeworthy, if you would please get the children ready for bed, I--th-think I will take a bath.”

As if water could wash him clean of the Black Order.

He rises, shaking head to toe but able to walk the few steps down the hall to the bathroom. He closes the door, locks it, turns the water on in the shower as high and hard as it will run, then puts his back to the wall and curls up in the smallest knot he can.

He’s not sure how long he stays there, insensate. Eventually he becomes aware his back is against the full-length mirror on the bathroom wall, and he turns his head to look at himself, fearful of what he’ll find.

Did you think you could quiet me forever? The figure in the mirror asks softly. Ivory skin, inky hair, green and gold armor, it regards Loki with a mocking smile, peering from beneath a twin-horned helmet. But his eyes-his eyes are very, very blue. Scepter-blue.

There’s no point talking to a hallucinatory vision of himself. Loki doesn’t bother. Just stares into the glowing cyan of his reflection’s eyes and waits to hear what it wants. After a long moment, its confidence wavers; its smile fades.

Say something! it snarls at last, frustrated.

“Something,” he answers. And then, “Go away.”

It’s just like himself to want to have a moment, here, he thinks. Give a grandiose speech about the inescapability of one’s dark nature, utter a breathless ode to the Mind Stone, perhaps. The only voice from the dark that ever truly understood him.

(The Mind Stone's voice in his head was always female, exquisitely soft and sweet, a music he could not ignore or deny. It's all right, Loki, my sweet little Loki--nothing matters. Freedom is life's great lie.

But he is the god of lies, and that is the only thing that saved him.)

But maybe Loki is learning from Thor. He’s not willing to play along. He lies where he is, dull eyed, watching his doppelganger, his anti-conscience. No protestations that this is not him, that he’s changed. Just: “Go away. Leave the children alone.”

Oh. Your children should remain untouched, it says. How many did you slay with the Order? How many deaths have you held a candle to?

He knows the answer, or at least a rough estimate, but he won’t give himself the satisfaction of saying it.

Your greed for peace and comfort will tear apart the people you purport to love. And after they are dead and gone, you will forget them. You have no heart. You only have me. Get used to it.

He doesn’t think that’s true, but he can’t muster the strength to argue. Remembering Thor throwing objects through his illusionary bodies, he gives a quiet grunt, lifts his hand, and touches it to the mirror’s surface. The steam collecting there from the hot shower suddenly starts to condense, coalesce, slithers between the glass and the silver backing, and the whole thing cracks and shatters, cascading down upon him in a glimmering shower.

A few seconds later, Mrs. Hedgeworthy is pounding on the door. He doesn’t feel like answering.

She’ll probably call someone.

He doesn’t care.


((OOC: Musical Inspiration))

Comments

[pirateangelbaby]

Thor is far more focused on Loki than he is on Ian, still quite disturbed by what he's seen thus far but hiding it far better than he was, putting on a front as much for Loki's sake as it is for his own. As Loki calms, so does he, more and more assured that he isn't about to lose his brother to the abyss of memory, though the thread of worry wrapped tight around his heart refuses to fully release.

As his brother's attention turns to the human, though, so does Thor's, at least in part. Now it is his turn to feel uncertain, lacking the shared ground these two have created, grasping what he can from context and guessing at the rest. "Sounds familiar," he says at the last, giving Loki's hand a squeeze.

Children... the thought prompts him to glance towards the door for a moment, hoping that the children aren't too frightened by what happened to Loki. The sound of the television still reaches his ears, quiet though it is, but it would not surprise him if they might not be fully soothed until they see their caretaker well again. But now is not, perhaps, the time to mention it, not when his brother is still gathering himself, still shaken by what he'd thought he'd done.

[coldsong]

"You'd like her, Thor," he says, though his attention is divided, drifting between them. He has a leftover instinct from his youth, to play diplomat, to bring disparate cultural and personal elements into balance. He was good at it, before, capable of sweet-talking angry Vanir, flattering delegations from Alfheim--really, his talent only failed him with the dwarves of Nidavellir, and only once with them. He's acting like a host now, trying to build bridges between his brother and his new romance. Unfortunately, there's only so much energy left in him, and it's bound to collapse before long.

"She was full of questions, when she met me first," he adds. "And a little reckless. I think children should be allowed to be a little reckless. They have families to catch them when they stumble, so they should explore."

His eyes drift closed. "It's all high-stakes after you grow up. No safety net but the one you knit for yourself, and if you do a bad job it just tangles you up when you fall into it."

He's rambling again, but it's not the same kind of panicked attempts to explain himself as before. More like the stream of consciousness coming from someone drifting unwillingly into sleep. "I hope you have children some day, Thor," he murmurs. "Adopted or birthed, doesn't matter. Not now, but maybe in a few decades. And you should have at least one daughter."

[malcolmeffect]

For all of Ian's usual abrasiveness, through arrogance or just personality, he knows when to be diplomatic. The brother of someone close is one such person as far as the chaotician is concerned. With or without Loki's attempts to be the diplomat, Ian was likely to play nice and be on his best, or at least better, behavior.

"Wait until she knows you better." Ian pushes a smile, not too forced, but for his benefit or Loki's, he's not certain. "She has a.. uh.. better chance to be caught thanks to whatever strings you pulled."

He still wasn't sure what the god did to the trial, but the gratitude is clear in his words. "It will be a long time before she is without a safety net."

Ian didn't always feel like living but where Kelly was concerned he'd pull himself through anything, if he could. His eyes finally turn away from Loki to look at Thor, and totally amused. "Kids are great. Anything can and will happen with a kid around."

[pirateangelbaby]

Thor's heart twists in his chest, the same heartsick melancholy that comes with reminders of how he thought his future would be. The throne, his legacy... a queen and heirs, the dynasty of Odin and Bor and Buri held secure in an unbroken line spanning thousands of years. That future is gone now... or worse, it never was, built on lies and secrets. And yet... there still is a future, even if it's not the one he'd thought he'd have. One built openly, learning from the mistakes of the past, a new Asgard beginning with Thor.

He looks to Ian, a total stranger wearing an enemy's face, offering him comfort and wisdom of experience in fatherhood, and does not wonder so much why Loki might have found a bond in him. "I don't doubt it. The trouble that Loki and I got ourselves into, when we were small..."

Thor doesn't know who might one day accept his affections, but he has hope again that there is still time, and Loki's words speak to the part of him that still deeply yearns for as much family as his arms can hold. "I hope so too," he agrees, leaning forward to lightly smooth back his brother's hair again. "Rest now, and dream of that day."

[coldsong]

Ian's unwittingly hit just the right note to ease Loki down a bit further. The reminder that oh, yes, he did do something helpful not that long ago, didn't he? gives him a brief little glow of pride. "It was fun," he says, and smiles drowsily at neither of them, eyes closing.

That little boost, coupled with the thought of pleasantly chaotic children, is enough to settle him at last. "You'll be...a good Allfather," he says to Thor, and then the smile drifts into something more neutral as he turns his attention to resting deliberately, letting himself drift off. He says nothing further, though he slides a little deeper into the bed and shifts to get more comfortable before his breath slows into the rhythm of sleep.

[malcolmeffect]

Thor's comment about their childhood brings a genuine smile to Ian's features. He could only imagine what it would be to be the father of a young Loki. He might even have an edge on Odin for his natural expectancy that chaos was going to happen at ever increasing intensity.

Ian remains still when he sees Loki settling in to sleep. So many people had spent days sitting at his side in similar circumstances. It was probably time he did the same for someone else. Once the quiet comes to his breath Ian looks over to Thor and nods toward Loki.

"I will stay with him, if you want to check on the children." It's an offer and honestly, he's internally scolding himself for tossing his cane aside out in the hall. He's in no mood to hobble out to grab it right now.

[pirateangelbaby]

Oh... even after all this, Loki still knows the right thing to say, somehow. Thor smiles a little, glad both for hearing Loki's faith in him, and to see him finally give in to the rest he so desperately needs. It speaks also of his trust in Ian that Loki is willing to be defenseless in his presence, that he finds either of their presence comfort enough to seek refuge in sleep.

By all the Nine, what a day this has already been.

With Loki asleep at last, the lines of fatigue in his face smoothing out with the slow slide into dreams, Thor sits back and gently lays Loki's hand down at his side. He doesn't want to leave the two of them alone - for his own peace of mind, mostly - but the children deserve to know that everything is all right, and he does seem the more mobile candidate between the two of them. "I'll be back," he says, not without some reluctance.

[malcolmeffect]

Malcolm understands the reluctant tone, whether it is from distrust of a stranger or unwillingness to abandon the side of an ill family member. Ian imagines both are true. It is that feeling that leads him to say more. Things he wasn't exactly comfortable saying but necessary perhaps to keep the calm.

"I can handle it if he wakes." Ian's own reluctance to speak showing. "I've been .. uh.. like this myself."

He motions toward Loki's sleeping for. Sure it wasn't exactly the same but terrors of dinosaurs tearing into the house or paranoia that people were going to try and shoot him had a vaguely similar effect.

[pirateangelbaby]

Were it not for Loki's show of trust, Thor might suspect that Ian wants him out of the way for... whatever reason. Leaving his brother vulnerable does not sit well with him, especially now, after everything that's happened.

But Loki does trust the human. And even though he wears the face of a man that Thor would never trust in a million years, that counts for something.

"I believe you," Thor answers instead, tilting his head slightly. "Watch over him."

He doesn't plan to be gone long, anyway.

[malcolmeffect]

Malcolm nods to the instruction to watch over Loki with a bit of an eye roll. As if he was going to do anything else. However, Ian is exhausted himself and has to resist the urge to just lay down on the bed and sleep too.

The only thing he can do to distract himself is take out a black handkerchief and start wiping away the sweat from Loki's face. It's a distraction. Then he starts fussing like a mother hen to ensure the blankets are well tucked in place for Loki's comfort. He doesn't like seeing him this way, both because he is a companion and selfishly, it reminds Ian of his own incapacitated moments over the past few years.

When he has nothing more to do he settles again at the bedside, sliding further onto the bed so that he can get a little more comfortable with his leg brace. He hates it desperately right now, more than usual.

[pirateangelbaby]

None of the children are asleep, though Eindrid looks the closest to it. It's not an easy thing to soothe their worries, especially Sigrid, but it helps that not all of his assurances are given with false smiles to hide a desperate fear for his brother's sanity. Loki gave him quite the scare, and he will have to grapple with the fallout of that later, but he holds himself together well enough knowing that the worst has passed. Even if only for the moment.

He tells them that Loki is all right, that he is sleeping and will see them in the morning. Not all of them quite believe him, he thinks, perhaps if only because they cannot see it for themselves. But he promises what he can, that Loki will be looked after and that he will be well, and when he has done all he can he wishes them good night and pleasant dreams, and truly hopes that they have both. Though it seems unlikely.

Thor takes care to step lightly on his way back to the bedroom, wary of waking his slumbering brother, who needs the rest so desperately. He stops only to pick up the dropped cane in the hall, out of place and unfamiliar, and assuming it might be Ian's. "How's he doing?" he says in a low voice, slipping back into the room.

[malcolmeffect]

Ian is still holding Loki hand, watching him sleep. He's had so many sit at his side this way over the past year; worried and unwilling to step away. It felt like he should apologize to them now that he was on the other side of the equation.

As upsetting as it was to see Loki in this state it is a relief to worry over someone else rather than have people hovering over him for a change. It's probably a selfish way to think but it gives Ian a measure of resolve to be well enough to watch over someone else.

"He's resting quietly." He whispers when Thor comes in. Ian's eyes come to his cane and he reaches for it awkwardly because he is unwilling to release Loki's hand. "Thank you."

[pirateangelbaby]

Maybe it’s just too soon for any nightmares, or maybe Loki is finally so exhausted that he’ll sleep without them. Thor hopes it’s the latter. He’s endured so much, weathered even Thor’s shattering and slow mending without breaking, and Thor cannot fathom how he’s made it this far. But he’s resting now, and that’s... something, at least.

Thor knows better by now to expect something like this to pass quickly. There is no Asgardian alive who is not forever scarred by all this, forever changed by tragedy and loss and more stress than even a god can cope with.

He takes a seat on the edge of the bed again, just watching his brother breathe, the lines of his face smoothed out in his exhaustion. He wonders if this is how it had felt that night that his brother had taken him in, raw and bleeding from his gravest mistake, so shaken that he can’t even remember much of it beyond a vague haze. Will Loki remember all this, when he wakes? Will he know it was real?

He certainly doesn’t want Loki to be alone when he wakes. But now that it’s only Thor and Ian awake, he turns his attention more fully to the human, his eye traveling over the man and comparing it against his memory of the man he most resembles. This seems a bad time to ask how they met, though, so after a long moment’s consideration, he decides to leave that for later. “Did Mrs. Hedgeworthy call you?”

[malcolmeffect]

Ian spares Thor a glance as he sits on the bed but no more. The other man, as Loki's brother, was expected to be here. Ian briefly imagined that he had more right to be here than Ian did, though that thought came directly from Ian's own issues and struggle with self worth.

Conversation would be welcome, any conversation. Watching what Loki had gone through brought many things to the surface that he just didn't want to think about again. There were too many memories in imagining himself in Loki's position.

"Yes." Ian answers without taking his eyes off Loki's sleeping form. "I think the children might have.. ih told her to call."

He could easily imagine Loki's children thinking of him high on the list of people to help their caretaker.

[pirateangelbaby]

There is a small, absurd, jealous part of Thor that doesn't like having to share this role with someone else, watching over Loki while he's vulnerable. He's not really sure it'd matter who with, but it being this particular stranger bothers him more than it would otherwise, in all likelihood. But the more rational part of him, still holding on because Loki needs him to be, is grateful that he doesn't have to deal with this all on his own either. And that he doesn't have to try to find the words to ask someone for help. Whoever Ian is to Loki, he's an ally here.

He runs his hands through his hair, internally struggling to straighten out his tempestuous feelings over the matter, and makes himself take a few deep breaths. "Good thing," he says steadily, as much to voice it aloud to himself as it is to reply to Ian. "Loki is... he's very important to me. He's all I have left."

It's not really an I will make you pay if you hurt him, but Thor wants to make it clear where they stand, to ensure they're both truly on the same page here. They are strangers to one another, but as long as their goal is the same, that will keep the peace.

[malcolmeffect]

Ian isn't put off by the undercurrent of emotions in Thor's behavior or voice. It is to be expected in this situation, especially since Ian is well aware he is an outsider and everyone else here is family. For once, how he's been treated for most of his life is coming in handy for something other than, and more important than, dealing with people making gloriously bad decisions.

Thor does get a incredulous look for the undercurrent of his comments. It is deserved now that Ian realized he ran.. well hobbled.. headlong into an unknown god to get to Loki's side. The situation requires more finesse than his agitated pride so he offers a nod. "I've watched over him before."

It wasn't like this, usually it was drunk or worried or sad, but the comment still stood that he was there for Loki any time he asked or needed. In truth, they had met and become friends because of Ian's willingness to help Loki without asking for much in return.

[pirateangelbaby]

That gets him a double-take. "Really? When?" It isn't that Thor doesn't believe him, it just isn't what he was expecting to hear. But he's been so caught up in his own head for months, struggling to pull himself back together, that he hadn't even noticed Loki heading for this spectacular collapse. Hadn't really noticed how heavy this burden was weighing on him, not until tonight. Guilt is an old friend by now, but it doesn't make it sit any better with him.

He should've seen it coming anyway.

Yet Loki has always been one to obscure his true feelings, veiled behind whatever image he chooses to present to the world. Round and round the reasons go, and Thor can make no sense of the tangled knots his heart has made of this all.

[malcolmeffect]

Ian shrugs. "From the begining?"

He wasn't sure what Loki would consider a problem or Ian helping but Malcolm had enough issues of his own to see things in the other man's behavior. "I helped him with a problem the day we met and..uh.. nothing as specific as this. General..." he pauses wondering what to say. "Daily help?"

There's a lot of uncertainty in Ian's voice because he isn't even sure how he and Loki relate to each other but there were clear moments of sitting with each other through drinking too much, addiction, sadness.

"We..we have similar problems. It helps to have someone who understands."

[pirateangelbaby]

Oh.

As wary as he is of this, that last point takes some of the wind from Thor's sails, because he knows exactly how crucial that kind of support is when one is past their breaking point. Months upon months of it. And as guilty as he feels that his duty to help his own brother had fallen beyond his reach, he does understand that he'd been in no position to do anything of the sort. Not when his own wounds were so fresh.

He can't begrudge Loki having this. Thor's quiet for a moment, taking that in, looking at the human sitting with his brother and seeing that genuine concern in every line of his body.

"Thank you. For... being there for him."

[malcolmeffect]

"It goes both ways." Ian comments before drifting off in thoughts. He's staring at Loki and it's one of a number of times he feels sucker punched by the fact that he might not have his daughter now without Loki's intervention, whatever that may have been.

It's awhile in silence before he looks over at Thor again. Thor is Loki's family and he'd told Loki once that accepting Ian would be Kelly in his life too. There is no doubt that a brother falls into the same line of thinking as a child.

The other man still looks a little concerned and Ian understands the issue of having a new person dropped on you when family issues are in the forefront. He shrugs slightly before his eyes turn back to Loki, watching for any signs of nightmares or disturbed sleep. He has a growing need to explain himself, his presence for reasons he can't fathom right now and doesn't have the energy to contemplate. "Loki and I met almost a year ago."

He wanted to say more but what to say. We're both single fathers with gloriously bad mental health issues and abandonment issues? Ian might admit things like that to Loki but Thor hasn't reached that point yet.

[pirateangelbaby]

Whether or not Ian is willing to admit as much out loud, Thor is aware enough of his brother's troubles to draw his own conclusions. He also understands the desire to keep it to oneself; how could he not, after months of isolating himself from the world? Sometimes things are too close, too personal and raw, to be given voice to someone you don't trust completely.

A year... that would've placed it around the time that Thor's world had...

There's a uncomfortable cold knot in the pit of his stomach as he shies away from finishing that thought, and he swallows. "I'm especially glad he... had you then. It's been... it's been a rough year."

[malcolmeffect]

"For both of us." Ian comments. The year, now that he thought about it, had been bad, though it could have been worse. Ian wants out of this topic before his mind trails into the darkness of divorce, disease, and a bad breakup.

"Our children are becoming good friends." Ian offers as something a little more positive. He doesn't know how much Thor is involved with Loki's children but given the man had gone out to check on them, there is sense that he's an involved uncle of some sort.

[pirateangelbaby]

"All three of us," Thor adds, not unkindly. He has no idea what sort of year Ian has had, of course, but if he thinks it to be in the same realm as Loki's troubles, then surely they are all in this together, as it were.

But he, too, does not particularly want to dwell on it, not when Loki lies sleeping between them. His brother deserves his rest to be undisturbed, and it's unlikely that such a discussion would be done peacefully.

So he latches onto the gentler topic the moment it's presented, making sure to keep his voice low. "Are they? Good, I mean. They have a good home here, and a good father to care for them, but they deserve more friends their own, er, age." Not the right word, he realizes somewhat belatedly, but surely Ian will understand what he meant.

[malcolmeffect]

Ian gives Thor a sympathetic look but doesn't ask. He understands privacy from hating people, especially strangers, asking him about his own issues. Still he offers what little support he can without voice. Malcolm is accepting that Thor is someone he should get to know, at least enough to be without suspicion, from either side.

The comment about age gets a little chuckle from Ian. He knew what Thor meant but also understood the reality of the age as well. "Mine can too. There aren't many young children among my colleagues at work or the university." This is an easy topic and one that is hopeful, at least to Ian. "The kids are on the verge of 'Uncle Loki'."

He wondered how Loki was going to feel when one of them finally spit those words out in conversation. Despite his arrogant nature with other adults, Ian loved children. They were always a surprise, always unexpected. He loved his daughter, Hammond's grandchildren, and Loki's children were starting to work their way in too.

[pirateangelbaby]

“Really?” That comes as a surprise, though in hindsight perhaps it should not. Yet another sign that Thor has been too wrapped up in his own issues to notice. He swallows a little, looking away to Loki, and resolves that he will make this right. Somehow.

“I’m glad,” he says at last, still not quite looking at Ian, not in the eye. “My brother is... I mean, I’m glad he’s made friends. He needs them. We both do.”

Thor has relied on his own friends to see him through his darkest hours. Now, all he can do is try to make sure that his brother has the same, for whatever may come.

One thing is for certain, the adrenaline is winding down and he does not intend to leave until Loki is awake again. He’s visited enough to have at least a vague idea of what’s in his brother’s pantry, and though caffeine does little for an Asgardian, the taste might be comforting. “I’m going to make coffee,” he says, a clumsy sort of peace offering, but if they’re in it for the long haul it’s worth the attempt. “You want any?”