Inbox (Caldera)
Mar. 18th, 2023 06:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
coldsong
"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they are distracted.
Kindly leave a message."
coldsong"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they are distracted.
Kindly leave a message."
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-27 08:04 pm (UTC)He doesn't think any of this is what Finnick is really trying to get at, though.]
He isn't quite what I thought. And at the same time he is exactly what I thought.
Nina asked me to speak with her about her sudden development of fiery healing properties, to see if I could determine a cause. He came with her because they're close, he's overprotective, and she was afraid he'd go try to imprison one of the healers if I had an answer he didn't like.
At some point during the conversation he revealed that he'd been healed magically by Dorian, as well, and she was understandably infuriated given all the concern he was directing at her. There was an argument and they both...started hitting a tree, I lost the thread of why that was a thing, maybe because they wanted to hit each other but new it would be a bad thing?
Anyway, I had a bad moment. I suppose it was the start of a flashback, and he recognized what was happening and acted to talk me down from it. He called me 'brother'. It was so strange and yet it did help.
The short answer may just be that I'm weak to a show of empathy and caring.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-27 08:17 pm (UTC)Great. So now all the people I hold dear are brothers and sisters to a man who just waltzed into Caldera and started being a massive dick to everyone.
Fuck all the time and effort I spent building bonds with people. He gets to just do one nice thing and everyone claps because their standards are so low. Everyone's willing to look past his bullshit, and the only person who cares if he hurts people, or wants to stop him from doing that, is me. Now I'm the crazy and stupid one for not trusting him.
I make myself a target to protect my friends from someone who hurt Lioriley, who tried to hurt you, who killed Night Sky, but all the people I want to protect go to him with open arms instead. It feels like a slap in the face.
text > voice
Date: 2025-01-27 08:32 pm (UTC)[Okay that wasn't helpful, Loki. There's a pause while Loki tries desperately to collect himself enough to answer this without defensiveness or sarcasm. In the process, he switches to voice, because it's much easier to sound like an asshole via epistolary.]
It's complicated, Finnick. It's not just...a nice thing. I've spent years stewing in my own terror about Thanos coming for me and...and I miss my own brother. I miss Thor. I wish he were here. I'd do just about anything--
[Nevermind. Again, not the matter at hand. He clears his throat.] Your care means just as much to me, and your protection means more than I have words for. No one does that for me. Not until this place, anyway.
I don't think you're crazy, or that you've done anything wrong, for the record. He hasn't proven himself to you, and maybe he never will. We're all just using our best judgment based on what appears in front of our eyes, aren't we?
voice
Date: 2025-01-27 08:59 pm (UTC)I'm just so fucking jealous. I don't know why. It's burning me up. I don't want it to mean just as much. I want it to mean more. Because I don't want him to turn all my friends on me.
[Now he is crying, but he keeps talking.]
I... I would kill for you, and I would die for you, Loki. And for Nina, and for Lioriley, and Stiles, and lots of people here. In my world, as a Victor, that's just how love is. My love and loyalty means that I prioritize your life above my own. And I know that's not normal and I know none of you asked for that or even want that. I know you'd all be pissed at me if I died for you. But I still feel how I feel, and I'm afraid that... I have this loyalty to you and you'll still just... Leave. Drop me. Or turn on me. I don't know. I don't know what I'm afraid of. That I'm not good enough for you. That I'm disposable. I don't know.
[He cuts the audio to put his face in the crook of his elbow and sob. He's just terrified. A kind of terror that was first sown in the arena, by worrying he'd thrown his loyalty to the wrong people and they'd turn around and kill him. A fear that everyone is just manipulating him so they can win, that no one truly cares for him at the end of the day- that they were always just lying to take advantage of him.
He has a feeling Loki will understand, though, which is the only reason he's allowing all this to come out of him.]
Re: voice
Date: 2025-01-27 09:08 pm (UTC)The question of loyalty makes so much more sense now. Because loyalty means life and death in the world Finnick came from. Loki is silent when Finnick begins crying, struck by how so much of what he's saying could have come from Loki's own mouth at various times in his life.]
Where are you? Are you at home? [His voice is soft, but there's a thready tension at the edges of it. This is something that has to be discussed in person. He needs to hold this man.] I'm coming to you.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-27 09:26 pm (UTC)I'm sorry.
[A reflexive apology.]
I'm at home, yeah.
> action
Date: 2025-01-27 09:35 pm (UTC)[He's fast when he wants to be, but even at top speed, even with his powers regained, it takes a while to get from Salt Spire to the shore. He's anxious when he gets there, afraid he's taken too long and made it worse. Still, he knocks and waits for Finnick to answer rather than just barging into the place, but he will reach to touch him the moment he sees him. Hands on his shoulders, if allowed, he will make an attempt to embrace him.]
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-27 09:51 pm (UTC)For Finnick Odair, there is very little a hug can't soothe. He needs one now, badly, from Loki specifically. So he's relieved as he's wordlessly pulled in, and wraps his arms tightly around the other man, burying his face in Loki's shoulder and hanging onto him. More tears leak out.
He came at Loki with irrational, jealous anger that he knew could easily drive a wedge between them or push the man away for good, and yet here he is. It means everything.]
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-27 10:07 pm (UTC)Jealousy is practically my middle name. [He says quietly.] Funny how I completely missed the signs in someone else.
[He stands there for a moment, then shifts a little and picks the other man up. Now that his powers have returned, his physical strength is obvious; it's effortless. If there's a couch to sit on, Loki will locate it in short order, and camp there with Finnick in his lap.]
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-27 10:29 pm (UTC)Damn these men who pick him up and carry him without a moment of hesitation, and damn himself for liking it so much. It should embarrass him, but because he trusts Loki so much, it instead just takes him back to being a kid. A kid who needed protection. Instead, he had to become his own protector, and the protector of many others, until his death.
It's nice to finally get something you always needed and never had, even if it feels strange and sad at the same time.
He wraps his arms around Loki's neck and tucks his face into the crook of it, focusing on the embrace all around him, on the feel of cool skin against his forehead. His breathing slows and steadies.
He feels like he should say something, but what else is there to say? Loki's actions speak louder than anything the man could have said, and Finnick's fears are dead in the water, now.
So, just this:]
Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-28 08:51 pm (UTC)It's also terrifying, because he always finds a way to fuck it up, given enough time, but...that's a problem for Future Loki.
The space in his chest that Finnick has come to occupy is complicated. More than a friend with benefits. The fact that they've flirted with sleeping together without actually getting around to it makes it feel like a more intimate, romantic dance, at least to Loki. Maybe they never will, maybe Finnick will find someone else once he's come out of his mourning period (look, Loki doesn't keep up with whoever else he might be attracted to, he doesn't know), but he will continue to matter, deeply.]
I haven't done much of this before. [He tilts his head against him, speaking softly.] I'm not shy with my body, under normal circumstances. I prefer to sleep with people I like, people I can trust, but there are times I'm not even that picky.
I was fully ready to just fall into bed with you, almost the first time we met, but then things happened and I've been trying to give you space out of respect, and somehow that makes it feel different. Obviously I was going to come to like you no matter what; fucking early on wouldn't have changed that, but...
I don't know. I just want to be good to you, and I don't always excel at that.
time for another monologue sry
Date: 2025-01-28 09:30 pm (UTC)He lifts his head to look at Loki's face as he speaks. Seeing him with pale skin and green eyes is strange for Finnick, almost like he's wearing a powdery makeup over the blue. Still, it's undeniably Loki, and aside from the coloring, he looks much the same. Handsome, as always. Pretty.]
You've always been good to me, Loki, and I trust that you always will be.
[His fingertips trace through the dark locks at his temple, tucking them behind his ear.]
I appreciate that you've given me space and time. I did need that, and it's always nice when someone is willing to prove that they like me for more than just sex or my body.
But... I do find myself wanting more, again. The more I get to know you, I just think you're incredible. You're perfect, to me. I know you think poorly of yourself, and you've done bad things, but I don't care about any of that. I care about what happens in Caldera, and in Caldera, I have only seen someone kind, and fun, and smart, and thoughtful. Someone good with kids and animals, someone who would put himself at risk to keep his friends safe, someone romantic who likes poetry and music, someone who tells stories I could never even fathom. Someone who will swim in the ocean with me as a fucking seal in the dead of winter.
[He laughs softly, then looks down.]
I thought I could only love Annie. I pledged my heart to her forever, and she will have it forever. But... I am realizing now that my heart is too big to love just one person. Especially when that person isn't here, and there are so many wonderful people in my life here. I don't want to feel guilty for loving them. I don't want to deny myself the happiness they bring me, deny the love they want to give me, or limit my relationships. Maybe it's selfish. Maybe the right thing would be to stay committed to her and refuse all else. But that would only lead me to further dwell on the past, and the future she and I can't have together. I'd only become bitter and miserable and lonely. If Annie ever comes here, I will give my heart to her again, but I will have to hope she understands that I've grown and let others in, so that I can have a new future that I want to live in. A second chance, a life where I can be free and happy. She would want me to be happy, and that's what I want for her, even if she finds someone else.
never be sorry
Date: 2025-01-29 03:57 pm (UTC)His eyes drift closed at the touch, and he sighs shakily, then smiles. People keep telling him things about himself he simply cannot believe. Except, of course, it's objectively true that he'll swim around as a seal with Finnick, winter or no.] I feel like I'm lying if I don't tell people everything I've done, everything I've been through. But it's too much to tell all at once, and there's so much of it that hurts to think about, and some of it...it's probably better not to plant those images in anyone else's head.
[Realistically, though, he doesn't know the entirety of Finnick's history, either. It's impossible to learn that much about a person at a glance, and traumadumping on any possible friend or love interest is just bad form. It leaves him a bit lost. He has to live with uncertainty, just like he told Gadriel not long ago.
His eyes flicker open again at the mention of Annie, of love, and there's sympathy in his eyes, mixed with something like awe, because the implication here is that Loki, too, is loved. Finnick said as much earlier, indirectly, over the network, but the impact in person is...considerable. He doesn't dare say anything; love is a wild animal, and if you approach it directly it runs away. But he hears, and he processes what he's being told, slowly but accurately.]
If...if she ever does come here, I'll protect her for your sake. With all my heart.
Finnick, I'm over a thousand years old, and unless this place kills me or changes me I'm likely to live another four thousand or more. I've loved mortals before. Humans. It's...delicate, because you know you'll lose them, they'll die, and it will always be too soon, but you can't get caught up in that, because they have to live their own lives freely. If they give you their heart, for the rest of their life, they've given you everything they have to give, more than you could ever repay, and that's beautiful and daunting and honestly I'm not sure any god is worthy of it.
All of which is to say, I would never ask you to be mine alone, and it'll be a long while before I stop worrying I'm taking too much just by letting you care about me at all, but I'm here. ['Letting him', as if he has any control over that, ha.]
You're one of the most profoundly loving people I've ever known. I'd be insane not to want that, want you, in whatever way you'll have me.
(no subject)
Date: 2025-01-29 04:40 pm (UTC)If it helps, you can tell me anything you want to tell me. I promise you, I can handle it. Telling all sounds tiring for you, but maybe you could tell me the worst thing, the thing you're most ashamed of, and I could tell you mine. But I'm not going to run away, no matter what it is, you have my word. That's just... Not me.
[Finnick wouldn't know what 'chaotic good' means, but he does know his moral compass is unique to himself. He has his own set of right and wrong that many would probably find a bit questionable, and a lenient judgement for things that seem ambiguous. Especially now, when everyone he meets comes from a different world with different standards. He probably won't approve of everything Loki has done, but he's guaranteed to try to understand with a generous lens due to the bond they've formed and all the good he already sees in Loki.]
Thank you. [He nods.] I know all my friends would protect her. She'd be safe here. [There is certainty in that phrase, and with that certainty comes grief. She would certainly be safe here, but he does not know if she's safe where she is now. But that's another conversation.
He listens carefully as Loki talks about the problem of loving mortals as someone immortal, much the same as Maedhros had told him before. It's sad, and Finnick feels for him.]
We both know I'm painfully mortal, [He smiles.] but if there's any way I can make that easier for you, I'd like to. It sounds hard. Though I am shielded from true death here, at least.
[It's what happens when he leaves this world that he's not so sure about. Given a choice, he'll stay in Caldera forever, but he's unsure if that's really his choice. Some Visitors disappear for good and no one knows what happens to them. One would like to assume they go back to their world, but if someone dead in their world disappears here... The easiest thing to assume is that they're just gone from existence.]
Loki, you're not taking too much. I have this love, I'm going to have it no matter what, and I want to give it to you. You don't have to take it, but it would make me very happy if you did.
And... It's rude to refuse a gift, you know. [He teases.]
(no subject)
Date: 2025-02-02 01:38 am (UTC)I will. Some day. Not today. [They've had enough harrowment today.]
I'm just as dead in my own world as you are in yours. [Idly, gently, his hands begin to stroke Finnick's back.] I want to stay here for as long as I can. Even with all the madness.
Especially if you're going to be here, too.
[His embrace shifts, pulling Finnick closer against him and tucking his head over his shoulder to hide his own face.] You're telling me you love me. Am I hearing that right?
(no subject)
Date: 2025-02-02 02:04 am (UTC)I do, too. Not just because I don't know what happens if I leave here. Because I want to stay, I like it here, and I'd never want to leave all of you. So... At least for a while, we won't worry too much about the mortality thing.
[Finnick rests his chin on Loki's shoulder in turn, his hands finding a lock of black hair and fidgeting with it, brushing it against his own lips to feel the softness.
Quietly, calmly:]
Mmm... Yes, I think I do.
[He isn't too concerned with Loki making his own confession. He just wants Loki to know his love is there, whether he reciprocates it in that way or not. Perhaps that was the reason he messaged him today, in the first place. To make his claim, to ensure that if Loki drifted away from him, it would not be because he thought Finnick didn't care.
And he knows that Loki cares, too, and feels secure in that.]