Inbox (Caldera)

[coldsong]

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they are distracted.

Kindly leave a message."

Comments

[coldsong]

[Oh boy, you have come to the right person for this discussion.]

Fifty is a lot, but I think I would still opt for the duck-sized horses. A horse's primary weapon is its hooves and they're not going to be able to reach above my knees at that size, so I just have to guard my legs enough to keep from getting hamstrung.

Whereas a horse sized duck will presumably have its strength scaled up, and I know from experience getting clubbed with a swan's wing can knock me silly (don't ask). I have to assume the wing of a half-ton of bird could just crush me like a bug.

Would you rather only be able to walk on all fours, or only be able to walk sideways, like a crab?

[soldforless]

[ Oh, you have made her whole day, Loki. Day, week, month.... ]

Nuh uh, no way. You cannot give me that tidbit of information and then tell me I can't ask! That's cruel. Now I'm going to stay up all night wondering...

But as for your question?

Mm. See, I feel like this is one of those questions that tells you what kind of person someone really is. All fours has a dignity in a primal sort of way. You could make it work! Wolf aesthetic, mysterious creature from the woods, maybe even become a local legend if you lean into it. But sideways? Sideways is a commitment to inconvenience and absurdity. It’s undignified, but bold!

So the question is, do I want to suffer stylishly, or live as a walking punchline?
...I think sideways. Less knee strain, more dramatic exits. Plus, I could make it a fashion statement. "Crab couture."

Would you rather have a dramatic orchestral score play behind you at all times, like full Hans Zimmer level intensity, or have a laugh track that plays whenever you say something remotely witty?

(And no, you can’t turn it off. This is your life now.)

[coldsong]

Tell you what, then: ask me later over a drink. It's a long story.

I like your reasoning. There are definitely drawbacks to having one's face closer to the ground, though, and, I think in a fight, moving sideways could throw off your opponent whereas on all fours makes it hard to punch them.

Crab couture. You'd look lovely in red, I'm sure!

You know, for all that I have frequent needs for stealth, I feel like this is an unfair question because I want both. I'd sacrifice sneaking up on people for full orchestral appreciation of my glory. Laugh track would be nice, but I'd opt for the music. Properly composed, music can convey wit and amusement, as well.

[soldforless]

Deal and I'm totally holding you to it! I’ll even buy the first round, since you’re promising me a long story and I’m a sucker for dramatic buildup.

As for the fight tactics, excellent point. Sidestepping your way into a surprise uppercut does have a certain elegance. But imagine the confidence of charging someone sideways, claws out. Pure intimidation.

And yes, exactly! Why should stealth be the default when I could have a string section announcing my every move? I’d choreograph my life. People would know I was approaching because the violins started to tremble.

Oh!! I got another one! Would you rather be followed around by a documentary narrator at all times—David Attenborough, Morgan Freeman, whoever—or have your inner monologue broadcast aloud like a podcast?

[coldsong]

This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Oh...you know, the mental image of metal crab gauntlets as weapons really adds to the aesthetic. I'm starting to think we should try this for a lark.

I do quite like the idea of being preceded with my own boss music.

I couldn't possibly live with my inner monologue being broadcast, for so many reasons. I'd be the world's worst god of lies if my thoughts were being broadcast, but also it's not really an inner monologue. It's more like a cloud of words and images that had six or seven threads running through it at any given time.

You know how on Midgardian television they have scenes where the one character is connecting things on a board with red yarn and gesticulating wildly? It's like that, but if the board and the yarn were in constant motion.

I'd say it's a god thing but I think it's actually just a me thing. It'd be a terrible podcast.

Who would you choose as narrator, though? For me, for you, for any other person of your choice? I want Dame Judi Dench.

[soldforless]

This is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. 🖤

Also: crab gauntlets?? Iconic. I want mine forged by a disgruntled blacksmith with a flair for the dramatic. Also, we have to enter sideways into battle to the sound of violins in distress. Boss music is non-negotiable. I want something orchestral with just a hint of foreboding. Enough to make people reconsider their life choices before I round the corner.

And absolutely no to the inner monologue broadcast. I wouldn’t survive five minutes. Mine’s less a monologue and more a flock of caffeinated crows all shouting in different languages. Imagine a murder board—red string everywhere except it’s spinning, on fire, and being narrated by David Attenborough who is very concerned.

It’s not divine madness. It’s just me on a Tuesday.

You know what? I could see Dame Judi Dench for you, that would be amazing! For me? I’m torn between Cate Blanchett and Alan Rickman, either divine menace or dry disdain, depending on the vibe I'm cultivating that day. Possibly both. Simultaneously.

Would you rather have every mistake you’ve ever made narrated out loud by Morgan Freeman as you’re making it...or have a tiny version of yourself appear on your shoulder to give you overly dramatic, Shakespearean warnings ten seconds too late?

Like: “O, sweet fool, thou shouldst not have texted thine ex, for chaos cometh!”

Be honest. Which is the lesser curse?

[coldsong]

I like how this has turned from idle speculation to the start of a crustacean biker gang. Is it just the two of us or shall we invite others to partake? I'm reasonably sure Lulu would be willing to provide the music if nothing else.

What you're saying about inner monologue, though--that begs the question of whether we could break the podcast with too much chaotic information. That might actually be interesting. Just a half hour of someone screaming about things on fire interspersed with adverts for Bombas socks and Hello Fresh food delivery.

I feel like you'd get more mileage out of Cate Blanchett but Alan Rickman is a delight, maybe he could substitute for us both on days when the ladies want a vacation.

Mentally speaking, I already have a tiny version of myself second-guessing my every move. I don't see how a physical version would be any different, except inasmuch as I could force him to dress in doll clothes for my amusement.

[soldforless]

Are we a crustacean biker gang or assassins? Maybe both. I definitely think we could find one or two others, but we're the leaders.

Honestly, I think that podcast would be a hit. “Episode 37: The Gas Leak Special. We deep-fry a tarot deck and review it.” Chaos sells.

I support Blanchett for gravitas and Rickman for flair. If we ever do a holiday episode, we'll bring in Morgan Freeman for maximum confusion. “Why is God narrating this bit about crab armor?” Exactly.

And I maintain that if my tiny double insists on heckling me, the least he can do is wear a little hat. Possibly a monocle. He can live in a teacup and hiss at guests like an extremely judgmental gremlin. I’m not asking for much.
And yes, it's a he. Or maybe it's hard to tell. Whatever.

[coldsong]

I don't think we can be assassins without some measure of stealth and subtlety, which we've already flung out the window.

Hm, I want to be King Crab. That's my new porn name.

I think a teacup might be a little too whimsical for my double. I'd put them in a little terrarium wrapped with chains, with a sign that says He Bites.

[soldforless]

True. If we were stealthy, no one would see the leather jackets. Or the crab gauntlets. Or the slow sideways approach accompanied by our own bass-heavy theme song. What's the point of being terrifying if you can't make an entrance?

King Crab and the Duchess of Snap. That’s our duo name now. No notes.

The terrarium stays, but I’ve decided it should also have dramatic uplighting and maybe one of those tiny haunted house doors he can slam when he gets mad. Emotional support menace.